Ready, Aim, Misfire
by canadianhannah
Summary: Sam is perfectly happy with his new boyfriend, Castiel. However, after a chance encounter, Castiel's eyes and heart turn to his brother, Dean, and the attraction and feelings are mutual, feelings which soon form into a love which they believe will be able to last through time and consequence, even as they watch their world tumble and break around them.
1. Chapter 1

**One.**

Dean couldn't remember the last time he'd seen Sam this happy.  
Actually, he thought, he didn't think he'd_ ever_ seen him this happy.  
"Damn, someone's in a good mood." Dean remarked as he took a sip of coffee and wrinkled his nose – too strong. Sam laughed lightly and sat down at the kitchen table.  
"I am, actually." Sam said, staring at Dean doe-eyed. Dean smirked.  
"Does it have anything to do with that guy you've been talking to? What was it? Castle?"  
"It's Cas_tie_l, Dean. And yes. Maybe." Sam said, blushing. Dean rolled his head to click his neck and shrugged.  
"I'm sure he's nice. He'd better be, anyway. If he fucks with you the way Ruby did, I swear to God-"  
"Dean." Sam hissed. Dean mentally checked himself and gave Sam an apologetic smile.  
"Sorry. She just-"  
"I know." Sam said. There was silence for a moment, during which Dean fidgeted uncomfortably. Dean knew he shouldn't bring up Ruby, but somehow she always got dragged into conversation. After all, she was Sam's first serious girlfriend, or she had been until she'd cheated on him.  
"I want you to meet him." Sam said suddenly. Dean raised his eyebrows and chuckled.  
"That serious, huh? Maybe we should call Dad and invite him to the party."  
Sam scowled.  
"I think Dad made it quite clear how he feels about our sexuality."  
Dean rubbed his chin, clearly uncomfortable and cleared his throat a couple times before replying.  
"Aw, man, Sam. I'm not gay or bi or whatever. I just-"  
"Dean."  
"I'm not. I've never liked any guy before or after him. Just him. Only him."  
"I'm sorry." Sam whispered. Mentioning Dean's first and only boyfriend Benny was a sensitive subject since he'd died just over a year ago. Dean smiled softly.  
"It's fine, forget it. My point is that I don't like guys. I liked a guy. But that's it."  
"Okay, Dean." Sam said solemnly.  
"But okay."  
"What?"  
"Bring over your boy, I'll get us a pizza and some beer and it'll be a good night."  
"Tonight?"  
"Why not?"  
"It's a bit…short notice, don't you think?"  
"Maybe, but I want to see if he really does have 'dazzlingly beautiful blue eyes'."  
"Shut up, Dean." Sam sighed, but he was smiling.

"We're gonna be late for work." Dean sighed, grabbing his keys off the counter. Sam nodded and followed him out the door.  
"Does he –uh- know we live together?"  
"What do you mean?"  
"It's a bit weird, isn't it? Two brothers living together like that. I don't want him to-"  
"He doesn't think we're dating, Dean."  
"What did you tell him?"  
"The truth." Sam sighed.  
"Dammit, Sam." He growled, but he wasn't too upset, more annoyed that strangers knew his business.  
"Sorry."  
"It's fine. I'll see you after work, okay?"  
"Yep." Sam said. The brothers nodded and smiled at each other and got into their respective cars (Sam into his fancy sports car and Dean into his old Impala.)  
Dean patted the dashboard affectionately as she purred to life.  
"Hey, baby." He murmured, sliding smoothly out of the driveway and onto the road. Driving the Impala, at first, had been a bit of a challenge, but once he and his boss – Bobby – had fixed it up, it was almost perfect, and even when the engine spluttered and banged, he knew that it wasn't anything to be worried about, and just kept driving. He saw the dim lights of _Bobby's Cars _and smiled inwardly. Unlike Sam, Dean loved his job, though it probably had more to do with the fact that he had an awesome boss than the actual job itself. Still, fixing cars for snooty rich people had its advantages – especially when he got his hands on an especially attractive model.  
"Hey, Bobby." Dean said as he swept into the garage. Bobby looked up, baseball cap and face covered with oil.  
"Hey, Winchester. You've got one waiting for you." Bobby said, vaguely gesturing to a white Prius.  
"Aw, you couldn't have taken it for me?" Dean groaned as he slipped on his apron. Bobby chuckled.  
"I thought you'd want to."  
"What do you-"  
"You'll see." He said, wiggling his eyebrows. Dean rolled his eyes and trudged out to the car, which – as far as he could see – wasn't accompanied by an owner.  
"Hello? Who's car is this?" he called.  
"Oh, sorry, that's mine." Came a voice from beside him. Dean spun around and felt like the breath had been knocked out of him. Standing in front of him was a man who looked a bit older than him but was shorter. He had black, messy hair and bright blue eyes, and was wearing a blue business suit and tie, which was covered by a beige trenchcoat.  
"Oh. Hey. Nice car." Dean said awkwardly. The other man smiled and ran a finger along the roof.  
"Mmm. It's okay. There's a problem with the engine though – it keeps leaking." He said, tilting his head and squinting in a way that made him look confused, and it took all Dean had not to chuckle at the sight.  
"Probably a hole or somethin'. I can fix that up for you."  
"How long would that take?"  
"Uh, well, I go home at six, but you can pick it up from here tomorrow morning at about ten? Is that okay?"  
The man chewed his lip for a bit before sighing and shrugging.  
"Not really, but if it's necessary than that's okay." He said, leaning against the car. Dean had a sudden urge to reach out and touch him, so instead he clenched his fists and kept them tightly at his side. The man swept his hair out of his face and looked at Dean with a mischievous glitter in his eye, a small smile spread across his lips.  
"Anyway, it gives me an excuse to see you again." He said. It was a bit more forward than Dean was used to, but he didn't mind. He chuckled and ran a hand through his hair.  
"Forgive me if I'm wrong, sir, but you're making it sound like you want to see me again." Dean purred. The man raised his eyebrows at the word 'sir' and smiled even more.  
"You're not mistaken –uh- Dean." He said, looking at the name badge. "I would very much like to see you again." The man smiled. Dean took a brave step forward, so the man was pressed up against the car and Dean was almost touching him. He put a hand just next to the man's head and leaned on it, smiling lazily down at him.  
"I hope you realise, sir, that you're flirting with me."  
"I hope you realise that if you keep calling me sir I can't account for my actions."  
"Maybe I should stop, then." Dean murmured, and made to walk away, but the man gripped his shirt and pulled him violently forward.  
"Don't you dare." He growled. Dean tried to stay cool, even though he could feel his jeans tightening around him.  
"You're a bit too comfortable with me for my liking, sir. After all, you've only known me for five minutes. Less."  
"You don't seem to mind. Besides, it takes me less than five minutes to know when I want someone."  
"Damn." Dean chuckled, and to his surprise, the other man smiled too and laughed lightly.  
"Sorry. I'm not usually this-"  
"It's okay, me neither." Dean smiled.  
"Sorry if this is too much, but could I get your number? I'll probably need it anyway, to check on my car."  
"Oh. Yeah, sure." Dean said, scribbling it down on the man's incredibly soft hands.  
"I'll call you." He said, and there was an unspoken promise in his eyes that made Dean gulp.  
"Y-yes. Okay."  
"Goodbye, Dean." He said. For a moment, he leaned in, and Dean thought he was going to kiss him, but he only smirked and walked away.  
"Shit." Dean sighed, leaning back against the car.

Sometime later, Bobby came over to him, bearing coffee and sandwiches. He sat down next to the car while Dean wheeled himself out, covered in oil.  
"So?"  
"So what?" Dean said, biting into his sandwich. Bobby chuckled.  
"The guy. What did you think?"  
"Shit, Bobby did you- I told you, I'm not gay!" Dean exclaimed.  
"I saw you two out there, boy. You looked like you were ready to pounce on him."  
"It's not- I just- look, it's like this-"  
"You're allowed to be happy, Dean. Just because Benny was the first guy you loved doesn't mean he's the last. Bad luck doesn't follow gay guys, it just happened. I-"  
"Shit, Bobby, I really don't want to talk about this now."  
"Then when? It's been a year, Dean, and you still won't mention it."  
"Maybe because it hurts too much." Dean shouted, getting to his feet and walking away.  
"Dean, I didn't mean to-"  
"It's fine. I need to go home anyway. Sammy's boyfriend is coming over for dinner and I-" Dean began, but was cut off by a sob coming out of his throat as tears streamed down his face. Bobby slowly got to his feet and pulled Dean into a hug.  
"It's not fair, Bobby. It's not fair. He was so good, why did he have to die? Why him? Why not me?" Dean cried into his shoulder. Bobby clapped him on the back and sighed.  
"I don't know, boy. It happens."  
"I miss him so much. Not a day goes by that I-. I don't want to move on, Bobby, not ever. Today was the first time I've felt that attraction since Benny, and it felt so good, but it also felt so bad because I don't want to feel that way about anyone ever again."  
"You can't punish yourself forever. It was an accident, and he'd want you to be happy, you know that. He always said that you were his priority."  
"I wish I could go back to him."  
"I know, but you can't, so instead try to be happy with someone else. It doesn't mean you forget him, but rather you carry him with you in your heart even after you've moved on."  
"Thanks, Bobby." Dean said, pulling away and wiping his eyes. Bobby smiled.  
"It's fine. Go home, kid." He said gruffly. Dean nodded and tore his apron off, rushing to his car. He saw the blue glint of the sun shining off the hood and smiled, suddenly at peace.  
He drove home with Bobby's words floating in his mind.

"Would you sit down?" Dean snapped, but he was grinning. Sam glared and lowered himself down onto the sofa.  
"Sorry, I'm just nervous."  
"Don't be, man. He sounds great."  
"Woah."  
"What?"  
"That was actually nice. What's up?"  
"Nothing. Just had a good day at work." Dean said, smiling even wider. Sam chuckled.  
"What was her name?" Sam asked. Dean blushed and looked down at his feet. Sam gasped.  
"Oh my god. It was a _guy_?"  
"Yeah, and what? I was engaged to one once, remember?" Dean snapped.  
"I just thought that- and what you said this morning – what was he like? Tell me everything." Sam squealed, sounding like a teenage girl. Dean rolled his eyes.  
"He was…y'know…he was wonderful. Attractive as hell, with these eyes that just – wow. He literally took my breath away." Dean chuckled.  
"That's great Dean, really." Sam grinned. "When are you gonna see him again?"  
"Tomorrow, he has to pick up his car."  
"And after that?"  
"Hell, Sammy, I don't know. We didn't have a particularly long conversation. Hell, I didn't even catch his name." Dean said, laughing. Sam chuckled.  
"Typical. Still, I hope it goes well."  
"Me too." Dean smiled, then frowned. "When's your boy getting here? I can smell pizza and it's making me hungry." He growled, looking longingly in the direction of the kitchen. Sam laughed.  
"Any time now, I promise."  
"Better be." Dean growled. As he said it, the doorbell rang and Sam jumped to his feet.  
"Okay, this is it. I really hope you like him."  
"Yeah, whatever." Dean sighed. Sam left the room and Dean could hear their conversation.  
"Hey, Castiel."  
"Hello, Sam." A familiar voice responded. Dean couldn't quite place where he'd heard it before. There was the sound of lips smacking together as they kissed, and then:  
"Come meet my brother, Dean."  
"Your brother's name is Dean?" Said the voice suddenly. Dean sat up, heart racing. He remembered where he'd heard the voice, and prayed that he was wrong.  
"Yeah, I told you that." Sam laughed. Dean saw Sam walk into the room and dropped his eyes to the floor, too scared to look up.  
"Dean, this is Castiel. Castiel, Dean." He said. Dean dragged his eyes up and nearly cried out. There he was – the man from work. Dean pressed his lips together and plastered a fake smile onto his face.  
"Hey, Castiel. Nice to meet you." He said, his smile turning more into a baring of teeth than a smile. Castiel looked like he was trying to suppress a laugh as he met Dean's gaze, staring into his eyes with an intensity that both made him want to look away and stare into them forever.  
"Dean." Castiel said, as if he'd been saying his name his whole life. Dean felt a rush of anger at how confident and comfortable Castiel looked, even though he was in the worst position possible.  
"You look familiar, have we met before?" Castiel said suddenly, his smile growing wider. Dean glared at him.  
"No. I don't believe we have."  
"Oh, my mistake, sir." Castiel said with a smile. Sam seemed oblivious to the exchange.  
"Hey, Dean, go get the pizza, okay?" Sam said.  
"Actually, Sam, could you get it?" Dean said sharply. He supposed Sam would have argued if Castiel weren't there, but he just left the room, muttering under his breath.  
"What the fuck?" Dean hissed, jumping to his feet. Castiel raised his eyebrows, his confident façade being lost.  
"I…I didn't know he was your brother, I swear."  
"It doesn't matter. How could you do that to Sammy?"  
"I told you why. You know why."  
"No, I must have missed the part where you explained why you were cheating on my brother."  
"Fuck, Dean, no, it's because you're so fucking sexy. Even now, I just want you, and I know I shouldn't have done it, I know, but I couldn't help myself. You're just…wow." Castiel said with a slight growl that made a warmth pool in Dean's stomach.  
"I-I don't care. Dammit, Cas, you should know better. The kid's been talking about nothing but you for days. Weeks, even. He's crazy about you."  
"And I'm crazy about him."  
"So why are you here, looking at me like you want to devour me whole?"  
"Because I do."  
"But why? You have Sammy. He's a great guy."  
"I know that. I can't explain it. Dean, please, don't tell him."  
"I won't, because I don't want to hurt him, but I won't let him get too serious with you because you're a filthy liar, you know that Cas?"  
"I'm not a liar, Dean Winchester." Castiel growled, stepping towards him. The men were so close that they could taste each other's breath on their lips, and both were getting considerably aroused by it.  
"Yes you are. You're a liar and cheat and you're not good enough for him."  
"Well, you're so desperate that you threw yourself at a guy that you met at work for five minutes."  
"At least I'm not cheating on my boyfriend with his brother."  
"Neither am I, because his brother won't let me."  
"You sicken me."  
"I don't give a fuck."  
"I want to fuck you so bad." Dean moaned without even realising. Castiel glared at him and bared his teeth in a way that was almost frightening.  
"You have no idea what I want to do to you. Fucking is only the beginning, you sexy, fucked up, disgusting piece of shit."  
They stood for a moment, breathing hard and glaring at each other, before Dean heard the familiar pad of Sam's feet on the floor and threw himself down onto the sofa and – most importantly – away from Castiel.  
"Hey, what are you guys talking about?" Sam said, smiling. Castiel sat down next to Dean and patted the seat, gesturing that Sam should sit next to him.  
"Nothing much, Dean was just telling me about his work."  
"Ah, yeah, that. Actually, funnily enough, just before you came in, he was telling me about work." Sam snickered, dropping down next to Castiel.  
"Sammy." Dean said as a warning.  
"What happened at work that was so special?" Castiel said, feigning innocence as he bit into a slice of pizza.  
"He met a guy." Sam said, wiggling his eyebrows.  
"Sam, stop." Dean snapped.  
"No, I want to know." Castiel said, batting his eyelashes innocently.  
"What was it you described him as? Wonderful? Breathtaking? Attractive as hell? And his eyes…what did you say about them? Wow, I think was the term you used." Sam said, laughing.  
"For fuck's sake, Sam, shut the fuck up." Dean snarled. Sam sighed.  
"Sorry." He grumbled, sharing a smile with Castiel. Castiel giggled and wrapped his arm around Sam's shoulders, smiling affectionately at him. The gesture made Dean's stomach squeeze uncomfortably, and by the way Castiel looked at him, he knew it.  
"He sounds like a great guy, Dean. I'd love to meet him." Castiel said, stroking Sam's hair.  
"Yeah, maybe. I don't see us having a future, though. He's kind of a dick." Dean glared.  
"Maybe that's why you like him." Castiel murmured thoughtfully.  
"Yes. Maybe." Dean said through clenched teeth. Sam leaned into Castiel's touch and sighed happily, kissing him on his jaw, reaching for the older man's hands and entwining their fingers.  
"So I guess you're a lot older than Sammy. Do you do that a lot?"  
"Do what?" Castiel asked.  
"Fuck younger guys."  
"_Dean_." Sam gasped, horrified. Castiel chuckled.  
"For the record, Dean, me and your brother's relationship has been nothing but appropriate up until now."  
"Meaning?"  
"Well, Dean, if I didn't know better, I'd say you cared."  
"I don't."  
"Good."  
"Guys, stop! Dean, seriously, just chill." Sam snapped. Dean glared at Castiel, but couldn't fight his arousal, especially when Castiel moved his leg in such a way that Dean got a good look at the large bulge in the front of his jeans.  
"Sorry, Sammy. Just tired." Dean murmured. Castiel sighed and kissed Sam's forehead, then his nose, watching Dean's reaction from the corner of his eye. He was pleased to see him tense up and glare at the couple, but did so subtly, so if Castiel didn't know, he mightn't have guessed. Dean felt a small line running down his leg, followed by another. He looked down to see Castiel, facing away from him, stroking his thigh with one finger. Sam trailed small kisses across Castiel's jaw, making him moan lightly. Dean felt a deep, burning jealousy, so he moved closer to Castiel, making him raise his eyebrows as he slid his hand further up Dean's leg. Sam captured his mouth with his own and began kissing him softly, his hand combing through Castiel's hair, and Castiel wrapped one hand around Sam's waist and lay the other lightly on Dean's erection, and Dean had to fight the urge to gasp aloud. Castiel rubbed his hand softly against the hard lump, shooting small bursts of pleasure through Dean. He let his head roll back onto the sofa and pushed his hips up into Castiel's hand as his rubbing got rougher and faster, making Dean pant slightly, though it couldn't be heard over the panting of the two men next to him as their tongues explored each other's mouths, Castiel's hand gripping Sam tightly, and Sam holding fistfuls of Castiel's hair. The scene in front of him was so hot, and Castiel's hand was so skilled on him, that Dean was soon at the point of orgasm, and had to jerk himself away from Castiel to stop him coming in his jeans like a teenage boy. The sudden movement seemed to break Castiel and Sam out of their kiss, both blushing furiously.  
"Shit, sorry Dean." Sam murmured, holding Castiel's hand. Dean bit his lip and looked up at Castiel.  
"it's cool. I barely noticed." Dean lied with a sideways glance at Castiel.  
"Okay, cool. Is everyone done with dinner?" Sam said, getting up and collecting the plates.  
"Yes thank you. Could you tell me where your bathroom is?" Castiel said, looking pointedly at Dean.  
"I'll show you." Dean sighed, like he didn't really want to go.  
"Oh, thanks." Castiel murmured, and followed Dean silently up the stairs. In the safety of the bathroom, Dean slammed the door shut, grabbed Castiel by the collar and thrust him against the wall.  
"You little shit. What the fuck?"  
"I didn't want you to be left out." Castiel replied smoothly.  
"You're disgusting."  
"Oh, for fuck's sake, Dean, just kiss me." Castiel moaned, jutting his hips against Dean's leg.  
"No. I'm not going to kiss you."  
"Please, I need it."  
"No you don't. You need Sammy."  
"I need you. I need your hard cock in my mouth, babe, please." Castiel moaned.  
"Stop." Dean snapped.  
"I'll stop when you do."  
"What does that even mean?"  
"Stop pretending that you don't want me, stop pretending that you're better than this. You know that what you want is going to hurt your brother, but you want it anyway, yet you call me disgusting? You're a hypocrite."  
"I don't want you."  
"Really, Dean?" Castiel purred, rubbing his hand down Dean's erection, making him moan.  
"Cas…stop…" he breathed, but his hips were rolling forward to meet Castiel's hand. Castiel smirked and pulled Dean in closer and spun him around so he was against the wall instead of Castiel.  
"Mmm, Cas, please. We can't."  
"Why not?" Castiel murmured, sliding a leg inbetween Dean's thighs and holding onto his hips.  
"Because of Sammy." Dean breathed as he rode Castiel's leg.  
"Stop me then, babe." Castiel whispered, putting his leg down and instead rubbing his own cock against Dean's, his face buried in his shoulder.  
"Fuck, Cas. Please."  
"Please what?" Castiel whispered, his hands claw like on Dean's back, pressing his lips together to – unsuccessfully – stop his moans from escaping.  
"I-I don't know. Don't stop, please don't stop." Dean begged, thrusting into Castiel.  
"Want you so bad, Dean. Want to fuck you so hard."  
"Please, Cas, please. I need it, I need you, please."  
"Gonna make you come babe."  
"Yes, Cas, yes!" Dean cried.  
"You're so fucking beautiful, Dean. Fuck, you're fucking gorgeous. I need to put my cock in you, now."  
"Cas-Castiel. Stop." Dean said with sudden firmness, pulling slightly away from Castiel, who looked confused, to say the least.  
"I don't-"  
"I'm not doing this. I'm sorry, I can't. I love Sammy too much."  
"I'll leave him." Castiel whispered.  
"No. I swear to God, Cas, if you leave him I'll fucking kill you. Why don't you go and spend some time with him rather than trying to get into his brother's pants?"  
"I don't want him, Dean. I know it sounds awful but it's true. I thought I did, but then I met you and…wow."  
Dean winced slightly at his words, but kept talking.  
"I don't care. I'm off-limits. Take Sam."  
"Dean I-"  
"Come on." He said, straightening out his clothes and leading Castiel out of the bathroom.  
"Dean, wait." Castiel said, reaching out for him, but Dean just kept walking and, after a moment, Castiel followed.

"Do you really have to go?" Sam asked with a pout. Castiel smiled and kissed him.  
"I do, I've got to go somewhere before work tomorrow." He sighed, running his fingers through Sam's thick, long hair. Sam smiled a little and kissed his boyfriend.  
"Okay. Have you had a good evening?"  
"It's been nice, thank you. I'm glad you invited me over."  
"Thank Dean, not me." Sam laughed. Castiel turned his face to Dean (who was now sitting across the room) and nodded.  
"Thank you, Dean." He said sincerely, and it took all Dean had not to shiver. Instead of getting up to leave, Castiel curled himself into Sam's side, and Sam wrapped his arm around him.  
"I'll see you tomorrow after work, if you want?" Sam murmured softly, so Dean couldn't hear.  
"If you want to, sure."  
"Are you okay? You seem sad."  
"I'm fine, I just…I do really like you, Sam."  
"I like you too."  
"I'm just saying, I don't want to mess this up."  
"You won't. I promise." Sam said, and Castiel felt a twinge of guilt at his words. He let his eyes stray over to where Dean was sitting on the other sofa and his heart raced. He didn't want to feel this way. He didn't want to be practically drooling over the way Dean's shirt stretched over his muscles, or the way his emerald eyes told more than his mouth ever would. He did like Sam, but he wanted Dean more than he could ever remember wanting anything. Eventually, he managed to tear himself away from Sam and gave him a final kiss.  
"I'll text you when I'm home." He murmured. Dean sat up and gave Castiel a weird look.  
"How did you get here? I…uh, don't remember seeing a car." He added. _Good save.  
_"I walked." Castiel shrugged. Dean raised his eyebrows, suddenly feeling quite uneasy at the thought of Castiel walking home alone in the dark and the cold.  
"Well…uh…I'll drive you home. If you want."  
"No, I'm fine." Castiel said a little uncomfortably.  
"No, really, it's freezing out there. I'll drive. You wanna come, Sammy?" he added for extra measure. Sam looked up at his boyfriend and smiled.  
"It's okay, I think if I came, Castiel would never end up leaving." He laughed. Castiel laughed and agreed, kissing Sam on the head.  
"You're wonderful." He murmured into his hair, and Dean felt tears shoot up into his eyes, so he looked away. He scowled inwardly for being so damn sensitive and for caring too much.  
"You ready to go?" he said gruffly. Castiel nodded silently and followed him into the Impala.

The ride was silent at first, neither knowing what to say.  
"Dean, I'm sorry."  
"Don't."  
"Please, just let me explain."  
"I don't want your explanations, you've already tried to make excuses for yourself."  
"I really do like Sam, I don't want to hurt him, but you're just-"  
"Stop." Dean said firmly, raising his voice slightly.  
"I can't stop. I wish that I-"  
"What?"  
"Nothing."  
"Dammit, Cas. Tell me." Dean demanded, and to his surprise, Castiel smiled.  
"What?"  
"You called me Cas."  
"I've been calling you Cas all night."  
"I know. Nobody's ever called me that before." He said lightly. Dean couldn't help but smile a little bit at that – as if he were special.  
"Oh. Well, that's pretty cool. I guess."  
Castiel hummed in agreement.  
"Can we forget this?" Dean asked. Castiel sighed.  
"No, Dean, I really can't. I can't forget the way you make me feel."  
"You only just met me."  
"I know, it's weird, I've never felt it before. Not this quickly."  
"I can't lie to Sam."  
"Then don't. Tell him, if you want, but just know the consequences."  
Dean sighed.  
"I won't tell him, you know that. I just…I don't want you, Cas."  
"Yes you do."  
"I didn't mean that I don't _want _you, because honestly, I do. I meant I don't want you, as in, I don't want you anywhere near me because you make me feel things I really don't want to feel, especially not for my brother's boyfriend."  
"Dean, it's okay-"  
"No, it's not." Dean sighed, stopping the car outside Castiel's house.  
"I'll see you tomorrow." Castiel breathed, locking his blue eyes on Dean.  
"I…yes. Okay. Don't expect anything, though."  
"I'm not. I meant it when I said I want to see you again, even if I can't do what I'd like to do. I like seeing you."  
"The two times you've actually seen me must have been great, then." Dean snapped. Castiel smiled and trailed his fingertips across Dean's cheek and jaw, his little finger catching on his lip.  
"They were. Goodnight, Dean." He murmured. There was a pause where Dean was debating on kissing him, but he thought against it.  
"'Night Cas." He whispered. Castiel slid out of the car and walked towards his house without a second-look back at Dean.  
"God fucking dammit!" Dean cried, smacking the dashboard of his car. He put his head down on the steering wheel and let the sobs he'd been holding back all night break out of him.


	2. Chapter 2

**Two.**

"Isn't he wonderful, Dean?" Sam gushed, sitting on the end of Dean's bed the next morning. Dean pulled a ACDC t shirt over his head and rolled his eyes.  
"Yeah, Sammy. Great."  
"Did you like him?"  
Dean smirked and laughed despite himself, and Sam tilted his head.  
"Yes, I like him a lot. He's…great, really."  
"I know. I'm so lucky." Sam sighed.  
"Mmhmm."  
"Can I bring him over again sometime?"  
"Shit, Sam, I'm not your Mom. Do what you want. Fuck who you want, I don't care."  
"Woah, someone's pissed this morning."  
"I'm just-sorry. Bad mood. Not your fault, just not feeling great."  
"You were weird last night, too. I think you made Castiel feel a bit uncomfortable, if I'm honest."  
"He made me feel a bit uncomfortable too." Dean muttered.  
"What? How?" Sam asked, springing to his feet, outraged. Dean rolled his eyes and ran a hand through his hair.  
"it doesn't matter, just let me get ready." Dean said, pushing past Sam.  
"No, I want you to tell me."  
"It was just…did you guys really have to make out? Right in front of me?" Dean demanded. Sure, he knew Sam wouldn't know the real reason why he was angry, but at least he was getting his anger out somehow.  
"You said you didn't _mind_." Sam accused.  
"Because I didn't want to seem like a cockblock. Seriously, though, just be more considerate."  
"Dean?"  
"What?" Dean snapped. Sam put a hand on his shoulder.  
"Are you jealous?"  
"What? Jealous? Of you? No. Castiel's cool but I-" Dean said, a little too quickly.  
"That's not what I meant."  
"Oh. What then?" He said, relieved.  
"I mean 'cause I've got a boyfriend and you don't. It's okay if you are jealous."  
"I'm not jealous."  
"Why don't you ask that guy from work out when you see him later?"  
"No way."  
"But you're excited to see him. That's why you're taking extra care getting ready."  
"Do you really need to be so observant all the time?" Dean snapped.  
"You're right. It's none of my business. I'm sorry."  
"It's fine. I need to get going." Dean grumbled and walked out of his room before Sam could stop him.

"I'm a bad person." Dean sighed as he pulled up to work. He could already see Castiel's stupid white Prius shining in the sunlight and stupid Castiel leaning against it, looking around for Dean. Dean considered going straight home, calling in sick and getting someone else to deal with it, but he decided against it – he wasn't running away. He parked his Impala and pulled his apron on as he walked towards Castiel. He was nearly beside him before Castiel noticed and gave him a shy smile.  
"Hey." Castiel said softly. Dean ignored him and handed him the keys of the car.  
"Can I help you with anything else?"  
"I…I need to talk to you."  
"About your car?" "  
"About us."  
"There isn't an 'us'." Dean said coldly. "I fixed your car, now go home or to work or wherever."  
"Dean, please." Castiel pleaded, grabbing his arm. Dean turned around and snarled at him, his green eyes glowing with anger.  
"Don't _touch _me. How fucking dare you touch me." He snapped. Castiel let his arm drop to his side and stared at him blankly, his eyebrows knitted together.  
"Why are you doing this? After last night, I thought…"  
"You thought what? That you'd come collect your car and I'd tell you how much you mean to me, and then we'd go fuck in the backseat of your car?" Dean growled. Castiel smirked and laughed, blushing.  
"Something like that, yeah."  
"You're a dick."  
"No, Dean, I'm not. I'm being honest with you and with myself."  
"But you're lying to Sam."  
"So are you." Castiel retorted. Dean glared at him, speechless.  
"My break is in an hour. Come back and we'll go for coffee and talk and try to work this out."  
"That's all I want." Castiel breathed. Dean squeezed his eyes shut, rubbing them tiredly.  
"I meant what I said last night. Don't expect anything. Sammy's all I have and-"  
"Not now. Later." Castiel said. Dean nodded and walked away, silently dismissing Castiel, who climbed into his car and drove away. He wouldn't have enough time before meeting Dean to go to work and back, so instead he drove to the library. When he was younger, Castiel had never had many friends, so the library had been where he spent most of his time, and even after all these years, he still went there when he needed to think. The familiar, almost musky smell of the books and the soft seats enveloped him at once and he felt more at home than he'd felt in a while. He sat on a small sofa near the window and leafed through a magazine, trying to sort out his thoughts. He could tell that Dean was pissed, and that the best thing to do would be to not meet him and go surprise Sam at work with chocolate and flowers or something, yet his mind immediately dismissed the idea – he _had to _meet Dean. He thought of the way Dean called him 'Cas' and the way he looked at Castiel while he was kissing Sam, that look of pure anger and…hurt? He hadn't meant to make Dean sad, he was just trying to…  
He sighed. He knew exactly what he was trying to do. He was trying to make Dean jealous. Castiel suddenly felt very silly and childish, sitting in the library, waiting for Dean to text him so he could go meet him – and for what? All that would happen is that Castiel would try to convince Dean that he cared a lot for him and wanted to be with him, and Dean would get angry and remind him that he was Sam's boyfriend, not his. Castiel ran a hand through his hair. He'd been in a lot of uncomfortable places, romantically, but this had to be the worst. Thinking of leaving Sam made him sad, but thinking about not getting to be with Dean made his stomach turn and he had to stop thinking about it. The worst part, Castiel thought, was Dean's past. Castiel knew all about Benny, (except how he died), and he knew that Dean couldn't afford to be hurt like that again, but here he was, ripping him apart when he could be the one healing him. Castiel knew that, given the chance, he could make Dean feel better, but he doubted Dean would ever let him – or anyone – that close. From what Sam had said, Dean didn't even confide in him anymore. Castiel felt even more guilt when he looked at the situation like that, and felt, now even more than before, that he was ultimately a bad person. He pulled his phone out from his pocket to tell Dean that he wasn't coming, and saw that he already had a message from Dean.  
"_Finished work. Pick me up." _  
It had been sent five minutes before. Castiel jumped out of his seat and walked briskly to his car, butterflies fluttering in his stomach. He felt like he could barely breathe.

Dean dipped his finger into his cup of coffee to test its temperature before taking a long drink, his emerald eyes on Castiel.  
"Thanks for fixing my car." Castiel said lamely. Dean put his drink down and nodded smoothly. A pretty waitress wearing a tight black pencil skirt dress with her hair piled up in a brown bun came over and smiled at Dean, batting her eyelashes, and Dean smiled slowly back, running his eyes over her.  
"Can I get you anything else?" she practically purred. Dean looked up at her through his eyelashes and she blushed.  
"Not right now, honey. I'll call you when I want you." He said softly, a light growl in his voice. The waitress – who's name badge said 'Lisa' – put a hand over her lips and giggled.  
"Okay, when you want me, you know where I am." She said with a light wink before walking away, her heels clicking on the linoleum. Dean smirked when she walked away, looking down at his coffee.  
"Mature." Castiel snapped. Dean looked up, eyebrow raised.  
"Huh?"  
"Are you really so inconsiderate as to think that I'm fine with you flirting with someone right in front of me?" Castiel hissed, collecting his coat from the back of his chair and making to leave.  
"That's quite hypocritical." Dean sighed, impassive.  
"What?" Castiel said, turning on his heel. Dean shrugged.  
"You made out with my brother right in front of me, why should I treat you with any more respect?"  
"That was…that was different, Dean."  
"How?" Dean challenged, leaning forward. Castiel sat back down in his chair and leaned towards Dean.  
"Because I gave you a fucking _handjob _while I was doing it."  
"Not true." Dean said, taking another sip of coffee. Castiel was positively fuming, and it turned Dean on a lot more than he was willing to admit.  
"What? Yes I-" Castiel stammered. Dean leaned forward, one hand on Castiel's collar, pulling him closer.  
"Rubbing my cock through my jeans doesn't count as a handjob, and if it does then I feel bad for Sam."  
"I've never touched your brother like that." Castiel hissed. Dean let go of him and leaned back again, eyes fixed on Castiel.  
"I don't see why you feel the need to prove yourself to me. It's not like I give a shit."  
"Liar."  
"Don't be so presumptuous."  
"Don't be such an assbutt." Castiel retorted, and Dean snorted.  
"Assbutt?" he asked incredulously, his eyes dancing with amusement. Castiel chuckled.  
"Shut up, Dean." He muttered, but he was smiling. Dean sighed and took Castiel's hand.  
"We need to fix this." He murmured.  
"I know. I do want you, Dean. Not even just sexually, but I want to be able to take care of you and help you, but you won't let me."  
"Yes, because of Sammy."  
"No. You know why you won't let people close – me or anyone else." Castiel said softly. Dean flared his nostrils and glowered at Castiel, pulling his hand away.  
"Stop. Talking." He ordered.  
"Dean, I-"  
"I don't want to fucking talk about it, especially not with you. I don't want you to fix me, I'm not broken. I just want you to be with my brother and make him happy and leave me the fuck alone."  
"Dean, I'm sorry. I was out of line."  
"Yeah. You were." Dean snapped.  
"Do you want me to be with Sam? Honestly?"  
"Yes, Castiel, I want you to be with Sam. You're not…you're not mine. Let's be honest, here, we would never work, but with Sam you have a chance."  
"And you?"  
"I'll make do. I'll just bring home some whores from the bar, fuck them until they're blue in the face, kick them out in the early hours of the morning. Same thing I've been doing for a year."  
"But what about-"  
"If you say love I'm leaving." Dean snapped, but his tone was light, and Castiel knew he was partially forgiven. Castiel smiled and rolled his eyes.  
"I was wondering something, though." Dean mused, taking Castiel's hand back in his.  
"What's that?"  
"Last night, in my car, you said you wished something, but never told me what it was." Dean said, scratching the back of his neck with his free hand. Castiel smiled warmly at him and brushed his fingers across Dean's cheek, jaw and neck, as he had done the night before, before cupping his cheek tenderly.  
"I wish, more than anything, that I had met you first."

Sam had made a serious decision. He and Castiel had been dating for about six weeks, and Castiel had been good about not touching him, because after losing his virginity to Ruby, who ended up fucking him over, Sam was vulnerable with that sort of thing. Still, Sam decided that he trusted Castiel, and wanted to give him the best thing he could…himself. Castiel had agreed to come over when he was done work, and seeing as Dean had to work late that night, he figured that there was no better time.  
Still, he was nervous.  
He'd never had sex with a guy before, and while he was looking forward to the intimate moment with Castiel, he was slightly scared of what would happen, and felt a slightly desperate need for things to go perfectly. He sprayed deodorant on just about every inch of his body, and even put his jeans on without underwear, so there wouldn't be any complications. The lube and condoms that he had bought that morning were waiting in his bedside table, and now all there was left was to wait for Castiel to arrive.

Castiel didn't really want to go over to the Winchester's, especially not after his meeting with Dean. But he'd promised Sam that he would, and he didn't want to disappoint him anymore than he already was. Besides, it wasn't like Castiel didn't like Sam, he did, and he was a good distraction from Dean. Castiel winced as he thought that, focusing more on his driving. His cheeks were still flushed from his talk with Dean and a small smile lingered on his lips. He'd offered to drive him home but Dean declined, saying that he had to work late that night. Castiel pressed his lips together and smiled. Dean still hadn't forgiven him, but they were working on it, and that was enough for him. As awful as it sounded, he would happily leave Sam for him if he thought there was any hope.  
But, as things were, there wasn't.  
He saw the living room light on when he pulled up to the house and smiled a little bit – a night in with Sam was probably just what he needed to clear his head. Confidently, he walked up the path and knocked on the door, smiling when he heard Sam's feet scuttling around.  
"Hey." Sam said, opening the door. Castiel bit his lip and smiled.  
"Hey." Castiel said lamely, stepping into the warmth of the house. Everything, he noticed, smelled like Dean. Even Sam.  
"I'm glad you came." Sam murmured, pulling Castiel into his arms. Castiel buried his face into Sam's chest and breathed in deeply.  
"Mmm, me too. You smell great." He sighed. Sam laughed and Castiel could feel his muscles jump as he did.  
"Thank you, babe. Want a beer or something?" he asked, pulling away.  
"No, I'm okay." Castiel sighed, sitting down on the sofa and smiling. Sam sat next to him and put his hand affectionately on his leg.  
"You're really great, Castiel. I couldn't ask for a better boyfriend." Sam said, smiling fondly. Castiel pressed his lips together and gave Sam a weak smile, unable to say anything.  
"What's wrong?"  
"Nothing. I just-nothing. Kiss me, please?" Castiel breathed. Sam smiled and leaned in, holding Castiel's head gently in his hands as he pressed their lips together. Castiel licked Sam's bottom lip, and the taller man opened his mouth slightly to let Castiel slip his tongue inside.  
"_Castiel_" Sam whispered, pulling him so Castiel was straddling Sam, and Sam's hands were slid up his shirt, resting on his hips. Castiel smiled against his lips and rocked his hips forward ever so slightly, rubbing himself against Sam, his hands clutching the back of his neck.  
"Oh, wow, Castiel…" Sam whispered, pressing their foreheads together and looking intensely into his eyes.  
"I know, babe. Wow." Castiel smiled, stroking Sam's face as he claimed his mouth again. Sam bit down softly on Castiel's lip, making him gasp and moan lightly, his fingers digging into his hips.  
"This is unexpected…" Castiel murmured, nibbling Sam's earlobe. Sam laughed huskily.  
"I can stop if you want." Sam teased, and Castiel winced at his words, remembering how he felt when Dean spoke them. He squeezed his eyes shut and sighed.  
"Stop talking, Sam. I want you, please just kiss me." He begged, his eyes brimming with tears. Sam was more than happy to oblige, crushing his lips against Castiel's again, his hands sliding back up his shirt, pushing it up and over his shoulders, breaking this kiss just long enough for Castiel to throw the shirt onto the floor before kissing him again.  
"I've never seen your chest before." Sam murmured, running his hands over the hard muscles. Castiel smiled.  
"Is it…do you…"  
"You're beautiful." Sam smiled, stroking Castiel's chest. He paused for a moment to rip off his own shirt before kissing Castiel again, biting his lip occasionally, their chests pressed together so both of them could feel the heat radiating off the other.  
"Sam…we should stop." Castiel breathed, kissing his boyfriend's neck.  
"Why?" Sam rasped, thrusting up into Castiel.  
"Because we…we can't do this, babe…_Sam_." He moaned as Sam bit into his neck.  
"Why not, you want this, don't you?" Sam panted. Castiel didn't know what to say. Of course he wanted Sam, but he couldn't get Dean out of his head, and a cold guilt was creeping up his spine.  
"I don't think you're ready yet, baby. I don't want you to-"  
"I'm not. I want this."  
"Why? Why now?"  
"I don't know, I just feel like we're ready for this."  
"Sam, please."  
"You don't want me." Sam said, his face expressionless. Castiel chewed his lip and kissed Sam softly.  
"No, I do, but I want us to do it properly, and at the right time, not a five minute fuck on the couch."  
"But I want you, so much." Sam whined. Castiel smiled fondly and tucked a piece of hair behind Sam's ear.  
"I know, sweetie, and we will do it. But not now. Don't do it because you're worried that you'll never get another chance."  
"I really messed up this time, didn't I?" Sam giggled, blushing.  
"No, baby, you didn't. And I learned some new stuff about you." Castiel chuckled.  
"Like?"  
"Well. There's that." Castiel said, gesturing to the small tattoo on his chest. Sam laughed and ran a hand through his hair.  
"Oh, yeah. Me and Dean thought it'd be fun to get matching tattoos when we were eighteen…" He said sheepishly. Castiel raised his eyebrows.  
"Dean has one?" he said, trying to make his voice seem disinterested.  
"Yeah, same place."  
"Oh. I didn't peg him as the tattoo type." Castiel shrugged, trying to ignore the way his heart was fluttering against his ribs.  
"I'm sorry, Castiel. About this." Sam said, gesturing to their half-naked bodies. Castiel chuckled and kissed him.  
"Don't be. Though, we should probably get dressed before Dean gets home. Somehow I don't think he would be too pleased about seeing us making out, almost naked on the sofa." Castiel said, climbing off of Sam. Sam chuckled.  
"No, he wouldn't. He mentioned that this morning, actually." Sam said thoughtfully, pulling his shirt over his head. Castiel looked up at him, curiosity piqued.  
"Oh yes? What did he say?" he said, hoping his voice would come out casual.  
"Just that he doesn't like it when we make out in front of him. I think he's jealous."  
"Jealous? Of you?" Castiel said quickly. Sam shrugged.  
"Well…yeah. I'm going out with an awesome guy and Dean's alone. He's gotta be jealous."  
"You don't think that maybe he wants _me, _do you?" Castiel asked before he could stop himself. Sam chuckled.  
"I doubt it. Sorry, Castiel, but I don't really think you're his type."  
"Why not?" Castiel asked, defensive. Sam laughed again.  
"Well, for one thing, you're male."  
"But so was Benny."  
Sam was taken aback, but nodded.  
"He's the only one – Dean's always said that. And even then, I think you're too quiet, too reserved…but I like it, so it doesn't matter." Sam laughed.  
"Yeah." Castiel murmured softly. Castiel sat down on the sofa next to Sam and snuggled into his side.  
"You're adorable." Sam laughed, kissing his forehead.  
"You're a really, really good boyfriend." Castiel sighed sadly, because he knew that he didn't deserve him.

When Dean pulled up to the house, he scowled at Castiel's car parked in the driveway. For a moment, he thought that he should just storm into the house and not talk to either of them, but he knew that, if he saw Castiel's face, he wouldn't have the strength to be angry anymore, so instead he pulled his car back out of the driveway and drove down to the Roadhouse.  
He saw Bobby's car when he pulled up and smiled a little bit – as well as being his boss, Bobby was a really cool guy to hang out with. Dean swaggered into the bar and over to Bobby, clapping him on the shoulder.  
"Hey, Dean!" Bobby said, surprised. Dean sat down next to him and smiled.  
"Hey, Bobby." He greeted.  
"What brings you here?"  
"Nothin', just didn't wanna go home." Dean said with a shrug, and Bobby knew him well enough not to push any further.  
"Dean Winchester." Said a voice. Dean turned around and smiled at Ellen – the owner of the bar and Bobby's girlfriend (though he wouldn't admit to it).  
"Ellen!" he said, leaning forward and smiling at her.  
"Why haven't you come to see me in so long?" she asked, putting down the glass she was cleaning  
"Ah, sorry, busy with work. This one's got me running my head off." Dean said, poking Bobby in the ribs. Ellen laughed.  
"Well, tell me if he gets too much and I'll straighten him out for you." She laughed with a little wink at Bobby. Dean chuckled.  
"I'll do that. Until then, how about a drink?" he said with a smile. Ellen rolled her eyes.  
"The usual?" she asked.  
"No….today I think I'll have shots. Lots of them. Two in each colour."  
"Including clear?" Bobby teased. Dean nodded.  
"Yes. Including clear." He agreed. Bobby and Ellen looked at eachother wordlessly, but Ellen shrugged and began pouring the drinks.  
"Rough day?" Bobby asked. He hadn't been in work that day, so Dean was being managed by the co-manager, Crowley, and sometimes he could be a bit rough. Dean shrugged.  
"Nah, I just need a drink."  
"Dean, you haven't bought twelve shots in a row since-"  
"Wanted a change." Dean shrugged, smiling at Ellen as she put his shots down. She looked at him with her hands on her hips.  
"That's a lot of booze there, Winchester, and if you throw up in my bar I am not above smacking you in the face and kicking you out." She said, but he could see the concern in her face.  
"I won't, promise." He laughed, downing the first drink.  
"How are you getting home?" Bobby asked. Dean rolled his eyes as he drank the next of his shots.  
"I won't get that bad." He grumbled, reaching for a blue drink. Bobby and Ellen shared another concerned look, but neither said anything – they knew that Dean wouldn't listen even if they did.

It was about an hour later that Castiel's phone rang. He and Sam were in the middle of watching some stupid TV show when he felt it vibrate against his leg. When he pulled it out and saw Dean's name, he made some excuse about work to Sam and ran into the kitchen, closing the door behind him.  
"Dean? What is it?"  
"Cas?"  
"Yeah, it's me."  
"Why the fuck are you at my house?"  
"How did you-I'm here with Sam?"  
"Why are you with Sam?"  
"What, I-Dean are you drunk?"  
"Maybe. That's not really what I want to talk about." Dean slurred. Castiel sighed.  
"What, then?"  
"I want you to know how much of a selfish, stupid, ridiculous, arrogant asshole you are. I want you to know how much I honestly just want to hit you in the face every time I see you, and I want you to know how badly I want to be with you right now.  
"Dean, you're-"  
"Don't tell me that I'm only saying this 'cause I'm drunk because I'm not. I want to be with you right now and to hug you close and kiss you and-" Dean's sentence was cut off by him crying, and the sound broke Castiel's heart.  
"Dean, where are you?"  
"Not with you."  
"Dean, I'm serious. Where are you."  
"Roadhouse."  
"Who is with you."  
"Bobby was here, but he went home, and Ellen kicked me out, so I'm sitting outside."  
"You're outside in the cold, on your own, drunk, at night?" Castiel asked incredulously.  
"Yep."  
"Dean, why?"  
"Because I really fucking like you and you're too busy feeling bad about wanting to fuck both me and my brother to notice."  
"I know how you feel about me, I just-"  
"No you don't. You've never asked. You know I want you, as in I want to fuck you, but you have no idea how important you are to me. You're so fucking stupid, Cas." Dean said, crying again.  
"I'm coming to get you." Castiel said tersely.  
"No."  
"Shut up, Dean. I'll be there soon."  
"Hurry please." Dean said in a small voice before hanging up. When Castiel left the kitchen, he was happy to see Sam still engrossed in the TV show.  
"Hey baby, I need to go home and sort out some paperwork for work tomorrow. I'll see you soon." He said, kissing Sam on the head.  
"Aw, okay." He sighed, hugging Castiel, who kissed him one more time before rushing out the door and over to his car. It had started to lightly rain, and Castiel was worried about Dean being on his own, and was happy when his car roared to life straight away – proof of Dean's expertise. He hadn't been to the Roadhouse before, but he'd passed it sometimes, and knew vaguely where it was. Still, by the time he showed up, Dean was soaking wet and shaking on the floor.  
"Dean." Castiel breathed as he slid out of the car and over to Dean, who reached out to him as soon as he saw him.  
"Cas, come sit with me." He asked, pulling Castiel down. Castiel looked longingly at his warm car, then shook his head – Dean needed him. He sat down on the cold, wet ground and pulled Dean into a hug.  
"Hey, don't cry, honey, it's okay." He murmured into his hair.  
"No one loves me." Dean whispered hoarsely.  
"What? That's crazy."  
"No, the only ones who ever loved me are dead."  
"That's not true. Sam loves you."  
"Yeah, Sam. I don't think he'll love me so much when he hears about how I feel about his boy."  
"Dean, please."  
"No, I'm serious. If he knew how the butterflies were thumping in my stomach, or how much every inch of my body is trying to reach for yours, he'd be so mad." Dean giggled.  
"You're drunk. You don't mean this." Castiel said, tears forming in his own eyes. He was vaguely aware of the rain dripping off his nose as he looked at Dean with sad eyes.  
"I do, Cas, I promise, I do mean this. You're beautiful, you know? Have I ever told you?" Dean slurred, leaning against Castiel, who just groaned and tried to pull Dean to his feet.  
"You're gonna take care of me, aren't you Cas?"  
"I'm gonna try." He murmured, dragging Dean over to his car and pushing him into the backseat. He climbed into the driver's seat, slamming the door shut, and turned back to look at Dean.  
"What do you want?"  
"You."  
"Other than that."  
"Nothing."  
"I can't take you home." Castiel sighed, and it was true. Not only would Dean end up telling Sam everything, but Castiel had lied and said that he was doing something for work, and he couldn't bear lying to him twice.  
"I'll take you back to my house, okay? Clean you up, get you sober, that kind of thing." Castiel murmured.  
"You're so nice." Dean sighed, curling into a ball in the back seat. Castiel chuckled and shook his head, trying to focus on the road.

"Dean, stop fooling around. I'm not getting in the shower with you." Castiel snapped in response to Dean pretending that he didn't know how to get undressed.  
"Come help me, pleeeease Cas?" Dean whimpered, and Castiel groaned.  
"Fine, but you have to wash yourself." He sighed, letting himself into the bathroom. Dean held his hands high above his head like a child, while Castiel undid the buttons of his shirt, sliding it off of his bare arms. His breath caught when he saw the tattoo, and Dean followed his gaze.  
"Oh yeah, that. You like that?" he asked, wiggling his eyebrows.  
"I…c'mon." Castiel muttered, looking away. He knew that Dean had muscles, but the ones on his stomach and arms were way more than he was expecting, and he felt even more attracted to him than before.  
"You can touch 'em, if you want." Dean said softly. Gingerly, Castiel reached his hand out and let his fingertips brush along Dean's chest.  
"Wow." Dean sighed.  
"What?"  
"I like you touching me. Feels really good."  
"Can you get your own jeans off?" Castiel snapped. Dean chuckled.  
"Yes, Mom." He said, hooking his fingers into the waistband of his jeans as he shimmied them off, and Castiel couldn't help but stare at him standing there in just his boxers. Dean grinned at him.  
"Gonna help me with these, Cas?" he asked softly, his voice hoarse. Castiel bit his lip, tempted, but then backed away.  
"No. There's a towel on the back of the door for you to use when you're done." He said firmly, scuttling out of the room. Dean sighed and shrugged, taking his own boxers off and dropping them onto the floor. The alcohol was starting to wear off slightly, and Dean was more aware of what he was doing – not that he'd let Castiel know that, of course. He turned the shower on and stepped into the spray of the warm water, moaning as it hit his cold skin, the warmth of it helping to soothe his tense muscles.  
"Fucking Castiel." He muttered as he began to wash himself.  
"Fucking Castiel with his beautiful eyes and sexy hips and gorgeous thighs and amazing lips and…oh, _Castiel_." He moaned as his hand slid down his torso and towards his half hard dick. Dean was overcome and overwhelmed by how much he wanted Castiel, how much he wanted it to be him stroking him, rather than himself.  
"Oh, fuck, Cas." He groaned, thrusting into his hand. He imagined Castiel leaving a trail of kisses down his stomach and across his hips, imagining what it would be like to look down and see those pretty blue eyes staring up at him as he had his cock buried deep in between his lips.  
"Shit, Cas, oh fuck." Dean gasped, leaning against the wall for support. The warm water was still raining down on him, and he wished that Castiel was there with him – more specifically, that he was pushed up against the wall while Dean fucked him. Dean put a hand over his mouth and bit down on the soft skin of his palm to stop himself from crying out when he came, white lines shooting out of him. He watched silently as the water washed it away. He stepped out of the shower, feeling slightly ashamed, and wrapped a towel around himself, shivering as the cold air hit his skin.  
"Cas?" he asked, stepping wordlessly out of the bathroom. To his surprise, Castiel wasn't in the living room or the kitchen, so Dean assumed he was in the bedroom (and tried not to picture all the events that could follow both of them being alone in a bedroom).  
"Cas?" he murmured, opening the door.  
"Oh, shit, I'm sorry." Dean gasped. Castiel was completely naked and clearly in the process of getting changed. He looked up at Dean without shame and with a sense of serenity, and smiled.  
"It's okay, Dean. Come here." Castiel sighed, pulling on his pajama bottoms and patting the bed next to him. Dean walked over gingerly, his eyes never leaving Castiel's face. Castiel put a hand on Dean's knee and smiled.  
"Do you feel better?  
"A bit." Dean said honestly. Castiel chuckled.  
"That's good. I thought a shower might help."  
"This is really nice of you, Cas. God knows I don't deserve you being this nice to me."  
"Why not?"  
"I ruined everything."  
"What? How?"  
"You and Sammy could have been so happy." Dean said hoarsely.  
"Stop, Dean, please."  
"No, I can't. I'm awful."  
"You're not.  
"I am. I'm just-"  
"Do you ever shut up?" Castiel whispered urgently, before grabbing Dean's face and pulling him into a kiss. For some reason, Castiel expected kissing Dean to be similar to kissing Sam, but it wasn't. Kissing Dean was like a fight for power, the two both trying to dominate each other's mouths. Dean growled and bit down on Castiel's lip.  
"Fuck, Dean." Castiel moaned, pulling Dean even closer by the shirt and deepening their kiss. Castiel's tongue slid across the roof of Dean's mouth and he whimpered, his hand digging in to where it held Castiel's hips, while the other pressed in between the older man's thighs as Dean palmed his erection.  
"Fuck, fuck_, fuck_" Castiel moaned loudly, thrusting up into Dean's hand.  
"So sexy, Cas, so fucking sexy." Dean said, claiming his mouth again. Castiel responded by moaning and gasping into Dean's mouth.  
"Get on top of me." Dean hissed, pulling away and lying down on the bed, his towel coming a bit loose around the waist, so Castiel could see the tip of Dean's leaking cock. Castiel was more than happy to accept Dean's order, and climbed on top of him so he was straddling him, Dean's cock trapped under Castiel's.  
"Grind me, you whore." Dean sneered, grabbing the small hairs at the back of Castiel's head and forcing him down onto his lips. With a cry of pleasure, Castiel ground his hips down into Dean's, making both men cry out in pleasure.  
"Yes, Cas. Want you so badly, Cas." Dean whimpered. Castiel replied by kissing Dean again, his hands stroking either side of his face.  
"Stop." Dean whispered. Castiel leaned back and looked at Dean questioningly. Dean smiled and patted the bed next to him, and Castiel rolled off, snuggling up next to him. Dean kissed his forehead and smiled.  
"I needed to cool down so I didn't come all over you." Dean said, gesturing to his now bare crotch. Castiel put the towel back over it and smiled.  
"That may not have been such a bad thing."  
"Probably not, but it's okay. Next time." Dean said, laughing at Castiel's hopeful expression.  
"Goodnight, Dean." Castiel sighed. Dean kissed his forehead.  
"Night, Cas."


	3. Chapter 3

**Three**

Castiel hadn't expected Dean to stay the night, so he was ultimately surprised when he awoke to find him with his face buried in his chest the next morning, and couldn't stop the way his heart raced. He subconsciously ran his fingers through Dean's soft hair and smiled down at him. In that moment, everything – even Sam – disappeared from his world, and all that was left was Dean and his bright green eyes, intoxicating smell and jeans that were always a little bit too tight. Castiel chuckled and buried his face into Dean's hair, inhaling deeply, filling his nose with the smell of the apple scented shampoo that Dean used. Dean stirred and Castiel smiled, kissing his head.  
"Shh, go back to sleep babe, I'll be here when you wake up."  
"No, I want you now." Dean muttered sleepily, curling even more into Castiel and trying to open his eyes despite the exhaustion weighing them down.  
"Darling, you might feel a bit sick, so be careful."  
"Why?"  
"Because you were drunk last night? Remember?" Castiel said nervously. Dean scrunched his face up in confusion, still not opening his eyes.  
"No, I don't really remember much about last night."  
"Oh." Castiel said, and he could feel his heart drop into his stomach. Dean opened his eyes all the way and beamed up at Castiel.  
"I'm just joking, love. I remember everything." He chuckled, kissing Castiel's collarbone. Castiel hit him playfully on the arm, but he couldn't hide the look of relief that crossed his features, which Dean evidently noticed.  
"I couldn't forget you, silly. Not ever."  
"You're being unusually affectionate this morning." Castiel said warmly, pulling Dean into his arms. Dean shrugged and kissed his chest.  
"I don't know, I'm just happy to be with you, I guess."  
"I'm happy to have you with me. I get-"  
"What?"  
"It's nothing." Castiel said shyly, looking away, but Dean cupped his chin and turned his head towards him.  
"Tell me?" he pleaded, his green eyes shining. Castiel sighed.  
"I get anxious when I'm not near you. It…it makes me kind of nervous. I guess that's silly."  
"Nope, I don't think it's silly. I think it's cute."  
"It's silly."  
"Oh, shut up, Cas." Dean sighed.  
"Make me" Castiel smirked. Dean raised an eyebrow and moved up the bed so he was at an equal level with Castiel.  
"Is that a challenge?"  
"Fuck yeah." Castiel purred. Dean laughed and kissed him, and it wasn't as aggressive as Castiel was expecting – instead it was quite soft, gentle, and filled with obvious longing.  
"Definitely better when I'm sober." Dean murmured, kissing him again.  
"At least you don't taste like alcohol." Castiel laughed.  
"I taste great."  
"I know."  
Dean laughed and pulled away, but stayed wrapped in Castiel's arms.  
"Why aren't you hungover?" Castiel asked, wide-eyed, as if Dean held some magical secret. Dean chuckled.  
"A while ago, it wasn't unusual for me to drink a lot, so I sort of don't notice the morning effects anymore."  
"Oh." Castiel said awkwardly – he knew exactly what 'a while ago' meant. There was silence for some time after, and Castiel tried to think of things to say. Instead, though, Dean smiled lazily at him, stroking his cheek.  
"You can ask, if you want."  
"Are you sure?"  
"I think I want to talk about it now."  
"Okay. How did you meet?"  
"He used to work at the Roadhouse as a bartender. I used to go there a lot for drinks after work, and we kind of just got close. Started off as friendship, and then just…not friendship."  
"How long were you together?" Castiel asked. He figured that if he just kept asking questions, Dean would be able to get out his feelings quicker.  
"Shit, two years? Two years and one month, if you want to be exact. We were engaged, you know. Never told many people though. Just Sammy, actually."  
"Was he your first love?"  
"Yes, I think so. I've never felt - I _had _never felt the way I did about him with anyone else. He was like this light and I- you know when something's so perfect that you just-"  
"Yeah, I do." Castiel murmured, swallowing a lump in his throat.  
"How-I mean-"  
"How did he die?"  
"Yeah. That." Castiel muttered shyly. Dean smiled and kissed him on the cheek.  
"This is the part I hate. We had a huge argument over something stupid, and he stormed out. It was snowing, I think. He got in an accident with some drunk truck driver and died in hospital."  
"Dean I-"  
"It's fine, really. I was so scared, though. When I first heard, I thought he was dead, and I kept thinking that the last words he'd heard me say were "get the fuck out, I don't want you here". But they weren't. I went to the hospital, and he was conscious. Barely conscious, mind, but he knew I was there and he could hear me. Doctors told me that he didn't have long left so I just told him that I loved him a lot and I'd see him soon and that he shouldn't be afraid because I'd always be with him. I made sure he knew how much I loved- how much I love him." The end of his explanation came out in a deep sob, and Castiel pulled him closer, wiping the tears off his face.  
"That's beautiful, Dean." He murmured, suddenly feeling very dirty. Dean belonged to Benny, not him, and he felt wrong holding him. As if he'd read his mind, Dean held onto Castiel's forearms which were loosening their grip.  
"Don't let go of me, Cas. I need you." Dean whispered through his tears. Castiel hated himself for the way his heart fluttered at Dean's words, and he just sat, holding him while he cried into his chest.  
"Thank you." Dean said roughly. Castiel kissed the top of his head.  
"Any time, baby. I'm here for you."  
"I know, thank you."  
"I have one more question though, if that's okay?" Castiel said hesitantly. Dean pursed his lips and nodded.  
"Okay."  
"Why now? For almost a year you haven't spoken to anyone about it…why now? Why me?"  
"It's a bit dumb, actually." Dean laughed, blushing.  
"I doubt it." Castiel encouraged.  
"I wanted to let go. I thought telling someone – telling you – about how I felt would help me to let go. I don't want to be tied down by him anymore, Cas. I want to be able to- I don't know. Just kiss me."  
Castiel nodded and kissed Dean carefully, as if he might break. Dean sighed and wrapped his arms around Castiel's shoulders, falling into their already familiar pattern of movement as they kissed. It was Castiel that broke away eventually, smiling softly.  
"As much as I want to stay here with you, we both gotta go to work."  
"Ugh, shit. I forgot." Dean groaned. Castiel chuckled.  
"I can drive you there and then pick you up?" Castiel asked hopefully. Dean smiled and kissed him again.  
"That'd be great, babe."

"Hey Sam, I found him." Castiel said down the phone to Sam. He'd called him last night while Dean was asleep and told him that he hadn't come home, so Castiel promised to keep an eye out for him.  
"Wow, really? Where was he?"  
"Well, this morning he was sleeping at the bar at the Roadhouse, so I don't know where he spent the night. I just thought I'd let you know."  
"Is he okay?"  
"Yeah, I guess. Seemed fine to go to work."  
"Okay. I was just worried, you know, when he didn't come back, and then I found his car and no him-"  
"You found his car?"  
"Yeah, at the Roadhouse, actually. The keys were still inside, so I brought it home. I guess I should've left it there in case he wanted to come home, but I didn't want to risk him trying to drive home drunk."  
"You did the right thing, honey." Castiel assured him. He'd already gone over his and Dean's cover-up story a hundred times, so he was confident that Sam wouldn't be too suspicious.  
"I wonder, though." Sam mused. Castiel squeezed his eyes shut, hoping that Sam hadn't found a flaw in the story.  
"Why didn't Ellen or Bobby call me?"  
"I-I don't know. Maybe Dean asked them not to."  
"It's not like them to do what Dean says." Sam laughed.  
"Huh, I don't know then, babe." Castiel said in a way that showed he was trying to close the conversation.  
"Maybe I should ask them."  
"No." Castiel said too quickly.  
"What? Why?"  
"I just- you don't want to make them feel bad, right?"  
"I guess. Anyway, I have to go, I'll see you tonight, right?"  
"Of course. Bye Sam."  
"Bye Castiel."  
Castiel ran a hand through his hair and sighed.  
"Well fuck." He murmured. He considered calling Dean and asking him to warm Bobby and Ellen about Sam, asking them to lie for him, but he thought that might look even worse, so leaving it alone might actually be for the best. After all, neither of them had actually seen Castiel pick up Dean from the Roadhouse, so the only thing he'd lied about is _when _he'd found Dean there, which could be problematic, but Castiel had enough to worry about as it was – such as the small detail of him falling in love with his boyfriend's brother. He smiled a little bit at that – he'd never fallen in love with anyone before. He felt like he had lost complete control of everything, like he was falling over the edge of a cliff. He knew he had to crash at some time, but for the moment, he was just liking the feeling of adrenaline rushing through him.

As soon as he was in the car, Dean held Castiel close to him and kissed him, a small smile playing on his lips.  
"Oh, hello." Castiel laughed when they fell apart. Dean beamed at him, his hand resting on his thigh.  
"Hello, babe. How was your day?"  
"Boring. Yours?" he replied, starting to drive down the road to the Winchesters'  
"Awesome. Someone brought in some fancy Ferrari and I got to get my hands all over it."  
"Sounds…um…"  
"It's okay." Dean laughed  
"Put your seatbelt on." Castiel snapped playfully. Dean chuckled.  
"Sorry sir." Dean murmured. Castiel clenched his teeth and pulled off the road onto a pathway hidden by trees and smiled menacingly at Dean, his hold a little too tight on his wrist.  
"Call me that again and I'll show you how in charge I _really _am." He snarled. Dean laughed nonchalantly and twisted Castiel's arm so it was pinned behind his back and Dean's face was almost touching Castiel's  
"I think it's cute when you try and act like you could dominate me, but when it comes down to it, I know you're my bitch, and you know you're my bitch, so shut the fuck up and drive me home." He snarled. Castiel whined softly, opening his legs slightly to make room for his growing erection.  
"Fuck." Castiel breathed. Dean let go of him and settled back into the passenger seat and smiled warmly as if nothing had happened, and – once he'd collected himself – Castiel continued driving.  
"You're too sexy for your own good, Dean." Castiel sighed.  
"Keep driving, bitch."

Of all of Sam's bitch faces, there was only one that truly frightened Dean, and he happened to be pulling it when Dean and Castiel walked through the door. As soon as Castiel saw the phone in his hand, he gulped.  
"Where were you yesterday night, Dean?" he snapped straight away. Dean raised an eyebrow.  
"I don't really remember. I remember waking up at the Roadhouse, though." Dean shrugged – Castiel couldn't help admire his acting skill.  
"Yeah, that's pretty much what Castiel here told me earlier. He said that's where he found you."  
"Yeah, it was, I think. I was still pretty smashed this morning, actually. Lucky it was Bobby and not Crowley at work today." He said, making his way for the stairs.  
"So you don't remember anything?"  
"Nothing specific, no. Why?"  
"Nothing. Can I just talk to Castiel alone?"  
"Yeah, sure, he's your fucktoy." Dean said gruffly, but threw a warm, encouraging smile at Castiel. Once the two had heard Dean's bedroom door shut, Sam turned on Castiel, face set in what Dean called the 'mother of all bitchfaces'.  
"So, lemmie get this straight. You were driving to work today, and you found Dean in the Roadhouse?"  
"Um, yeah, I did tell you that."  
"But the Roadhouse is nowhere near where you work."  
"I had a meeting on-"  
"Okay, but how did you see Dean in there?"  
"I-he was outside."  
"Not what you told me this morning."  
"I didn't think it mattered."  
"It does. You go to work at about 10, right?"  
"Uh, yeah."  
"Well, Ellen opens up the Roadhouse at 8:30 and didn't see Dean there."  
"I'm not surprised. My meeting was at 7, so I saw him way before the Roadhouse even opened."  
"And then what?"  
"Are you _questioning _me? Don't you have to read me my human rights or something?"  
"Very fucking funny, Castiel. What then?"  
"Then I took him to work, like I told you."  
"Yeah, you did tell me. It's funny, though, Bobby says Dean didn't get into work until 10:30."  
"Not my problem. I dropped him off there, wherever he went after that is his shit, not mine."  
"But the funny thing is, Bobby saw you drop him off at 10:30. So, Castiel, why the fuck are you lying to me?"  
"Sam, listen-"  
"No, for fuck's sake, Castiel, why the fuck are you lying? I thought you liked me?"  
"I do, you know I do. You mean so much to-"  
"Cut the bullshit. Tell me what really happened."  
"Sam, please, let it go. Just drop it, okay? I don't wanna argue with you."  
"We wouldn't be arguing if you didn't lie." Sam said coldly. Castiel bit his lip. He knew he was completely in the wrong, which was probably why he was so nervous. Even if Sam didn't know the full extent of the lie, he'd still lied to the one person he was supposed to be honest to.  
"Please, Sam, I-"  
"What? Do you like him or something? Do you want to fuck him? Is that it?"  
"No! No, Sam, baby, you know it's you. It's just you. I don't give a fuck about Dean, I want you."  
"Then why are you lying about him?" Sam shouted. Castiel breathed deeply. He had a way to cover this up, but it could backfire. He glanced up at Sam and realized that nothing could be much worse than this.  
"I lied because I didn't want you to think there was something going on with Dean and I. Last night when I left you, the road to my place was blocked, so I had to take the other road –the one that runs by the Roadhouse. I saw Dean sitting outside in the rain, so I let him into my car. I was gonna drive him home, but I didn't want you to have to deal with him being drunk and so I took him home. I only meant for him to get a shower and have a coffee, to sober up a bit and such, but he ended up falling asleep on my sofa, and I didn't have the heart to move him. By then it was late, and I know I should have called you, but I didn't want you to get the wrong impression. The next morning, I told Dean that I was going to call you and tell you the whole story, but he got really scared and said that you would freak out about it, so he made me lie. I'm so sorry, Sam, I really, really am." Castiel said, not really liking how easily the lie flowed from his lips.  
"But I don't get why you didn't say that first? Why did you lie?"  
"I was scared that you'd assume that-"  
"Jesus, Castiel, that's so not the first place my mind would have gone to."  
"Yes it is."  
"Fine, maybe it is. Even then, you shouldn't lie to me. Ever. I can't trust you, Castiel."  
"You can!"  
"No, I can't. This was serious. I was up all night worried sick about Dean, and you didn't even have the decency to let me know where he was? Whether or not I would have been mad at you, it's your duty as my boyfriend to reassure me when I'm upset, and that includes letting me know if my brother has drunkenly passed out on your sofa when I think he's missing, or injured, or dead. He's all I have, Castiel. Mom's dead and Dad doesn't want me anymore, so Dean's all I've got, and you tried to take that from me."  
"No, I swear, Sam, I didn't. It wasn't like that." Castiel stammered, his tongue feeling unusually heavy in his mouth.  
"You've messed up. Bad."  
"Don't leave me." Castiel said softly.  
"Stop that! Stop trying to guilt trip me! I'm not in the wrong here, Castiel, you are. _You lied to me_. And even with the fact that it was literally – for me – a life or death situation out of the picture, you still lied to your boyfriend who you're supposed to care about, because my drunken, pathetic excuse for a brother told you to. So, if someone told you to cheat on me, would you?"  
"Sam, you're being melodramatic." Castiel hissed.  
"No, I'm not. I'm being perfectly rational, you just don't like what you're hearing."  
"Fuck, just because that slut Ruby fucked three other guys behind your back does _not _mean that everyone will." Castiel shouted. Sam stepped back, looking like he'd been slapped.  
"I told you not to mention that."  
"Maybe that's why you _threw _yourself at me the other night, huh? You were scared that I'd get bored of you and leave. Well guess what, buddy, that bitch didn't cheat on you because you were boring, she cheated on you because you're an over-possessive, dominating, insecure loser who feels the need to keep everyone they love so close that it pushes them away. You're not angry at me, you're scared."  
"Shut the fuck up, Castiel." Sam growled, tears in his eyes.  
"You love me so much that you're willing to make me feel like shit so you can keep me."  
"I don't fucking love you!" Sam shouted.  
"Yeah, but _I _love _you_!" Castiel yelled back.  
He didn't mean to say it, and he wanted to take it back as soon as he had. He didn't love Sam, not at all, and his heart sunk when he realized that Dean probably heard him say that. _Fuck._  
"I…I can't do this, not now." Sam said, his voice shaking. Castiel said nothing to him as he walked straight past him and out of the house. Castiel walked slowly to the sofa and sat down, putting his head in his hands. He didn't regret much of what he'd said (other than the Ruby comments, even he knew they were too far), but he regretted telling him that he loved him more than anything. He wished and prayed as hard as he could that Dean hadn't heard that, but he knew that he must have.  
"Fuck!" Castiel shouted, wiping the stray tears from his face. He knew that it was exactly the opposite of what he should do, but he had to talk to Dean, and he couldn't do that if he was crying. He walked upstairs in a dreamlike state, and felt strangely surreal as he knocked on Dean's bedroom door.  
"What do you want, Cas?" he replied gruffly. Castiel recognized the sound of his voice from this morning, and knew he'd been crying.  
"Baby, I didn't mean it. I don't know why I said it."  
"Come in. I can't have this conversation with a door." Dean muttered, and Castiel let himself into the room, perching next to Dean on the bed.  
"You've really fucked up now, Cas." Dean sighed, wiping his eyes.  
"I know."  
"This is kinda the point of no return. There's no chance for you and I now. You know that, don't you?"  
"I…what? Why?" Castiel asked, suddenly panicked. Dean laughed bitterly.  
"You're in love with my brother – or at least, he thinks so. He also believes that you 'don't give a fuck' about me, so you can imagine his surprise if we ever got together."  
"Dean, I'm sorry. He had me cornered."  
"Yeah, I tell people I love them when I'm having a fight all the time." Dean snapped, and Castiel realized just how badly he'd hurt Dean.  
"I don't love him." He sighed, putting his arm around Dean, and was pleased when it wasn't rejected.  
"Doesn't matter. You still told him."  
"I don't get it."  
"Dammit, Cas. I don't care if you were lying, you still told him that you love him, and that actually really fucking hurt."  
"I didn't mean to hurt you. I don't want to-"  
"Save it, Cas. " Dean sighed wearily.  
"No, Dean, please-"  
"Cas, seriously. I said, stop." Dean growled, pushing Castiel so he was on his back. Dean crawled on top of him and kissed him roughly, his tongue dominating his mouth, and Castiel just let him do it because he knew he needed to. Without any warning, Dean undid his own jeans and pulled down his boxers, freeing his half hard dick, which he shook in Castiel's face, making the latter's own work trousers tighten against him. Bravely, Castiel let his tongue snake out and stroke the tip of Dean's cock, earning him a hand twisting roughly in his hair, so hard he thought he might actually rip out a chunk of hair.  
"Don't do anything until I tell you to." Dean snapped, and Castiel nodded fervently, feeling a thrill at Dean's dominance.  
"Yes, sir." Castiel mewled.  
"Open your mouth." Dean said softly, and Castiel parted his lips obediently. Dean ran the tip of his cock along Castiel's mouth soaking his lips with precum.  
"Suck it, baby." Dean ordered, sliding himself into Castiel's warm, hot mouth.  
"C'mon, Cas, lemmie see those eyes." He said, and Castiel met his gaze, staring into his eyes intensely, sapphire burning into emerald.  
"The wetter you make it, the less I'll hurt you." Dean murmured absent-mindedly, and Castiel almost choked (much to Dean's secret amusement), his eyes wide with fear. Dean smiled softly, his features of stone being filled with light.  
"I'll take care of you. I won't let you get hurt." Dean swore. Castiel showed his understanding by licking a stripe on the underside of Dean's cock, making him cry out violently.  
"Shit, babe." He moaned, and Castiel gave a triumphant smile. Dean pursed his lips.  
"Stop." He said softly, weakly. Castiel looked at him in confusion, but Dean just held his arms out, which Castiel happily snuggled into. When he had him tightly and safely in his arms, Dean began to rock him gently, like a mother nursing a child. Castiel wanted Dean to speak, to tell him what he was thinking, but he knew he wouldn't – he couldn't. Instead, their mouths met in a soft but passionate kiss, like there was a thin wall blocking the fire that lay deep in both of them, and they scrambled to get each other's clothes off, throwing them unceremoniously onto the floor. Castiel, despite his nerves, opened his legs when Dean gestured that he should. He felt the first finger slide into him and bucked his hips up, earning a small smile from Dean, but it didn't reach his eyes. He let Castiel get used to one finger before adding a second, and the cry that burst out of Castiel at the motion shattered the silence of the room.  
"Shh, baby, I got you." Dean murmured, roughly adding the third finger.  
"Ow, Dean, it hurts." Castiel whimpered. As if to prove a point, Dean shoved his fingers deep into Castiel – down to the knuckle – and flicked them, stroking his prostrate. Castiel let out a small whine and raised his hips up, pushing down onto Dean's rapidly moving fingers.  
"I'm ready." He said softly. Dean nodded and removed his fingers. Castiel prepared himself for sex, but instead, Dean slid down and licked softly around the rim of his hole, dipping his tongue in for a few moments, then licking again.  
"Wh-what?" Castiel asked, confused. Dean chuckled despite the situation.  
"Need it to not hurt. Can't hurt you, Cas." He whispered, his voice choked with tears.  
"You won't. You couldn't hurt me, Dean." Castiel replied, knowing that they weren't talking about sex anymore. Dean nodded and sat up, gripping Castiel's hips.  
"Ready?"  
"Of course."  
Dean slid in slowly, giving Castiel time to adjust.  
"I'm sorry." He breathed every time Castiel looked slightly uncomfortable, and all Castiel could do to reassure him was to whisper that he wanted more.  
"More, Dean, more." He rasped, and Dean was all too happy to oblige. Both men moaned when Dean was all the way in, and they smiled gently at each other. Dean moved in and out slowly at first, but soon grew more confident and started slamming roughly into Castiel.  
"_Dean_" Castiel moaned.  
"No, don't. Not my name. His."  
"What? I don't-"  
"Say _his _name, Cas. I need you to."  
"Why? I don't-"  
"Fucking do it." Dean growled. Castiel bit his lip, then nodded to Dean. He didn't particularly want to shout his boyfriend's name while having sex with his brother (his head spun slightly as he thought about the situation), but he knew that, in some weird way, it would be helping Dean. Dean plunged into him and Castiel's hips rolled up.  
"Oh fuck D-S-Sam."  
"That's it, baby. It's okay." Dean encouraged, pounding into him again.  
"Fuck, Sam, yes. Yes, baby."  
"You want him, don't you, Cas? You want this to be your boy fucking you, and not his brother. You want Sam's cock in your ass, not mine. Don't you?"  
"N-Yes. Yes, I want Sam. Fuck, I want him" Castiel moaned.  
"Tell me how much you want him."  
"So much. Fuck, need him here. Need him to fuck me."  
"Bet you think he could fuck you better than I can, don't you? You want your boy here, not me. Not me. You don't want me." Dean said, but the last sentence came out as a sob. Castiel held Dean tightly and, completely disregarding his orders, kissed his shoulders and neck and any piece of skin he could find.  
"No, Dean, fuck, I want you. I want you so badly Dean, since the moment I met you. Fuck Sam, I don't give a shit about him, it's you. It's always been you. Dean, I need you. I need you. I lo-"  
"Don't say it, Cas, please don't say it." Dean whispered into Cas's neck, his voice rough from crying.  
"Why?"  
"Because I might believe you."  
"I want you to believe me."  
"No, Castiel, not now, not like this. Let me just fuck you, Cas, I need you."  
"Okay, baby, anything for you. Anything." Castiel whispered. Castiel just kissed Dean's shoulders while Dean slammed his cock deep into him, both of them crying out with pleasure, but neither saying anything to each other. Castiel came first, shooting hot spurts of white come over his and Dean's stomachs, and Dean finished soon after. Dean collapsed on top of Castiel, sobbing into his chest.  
"I'm sorry, Cas, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry."  
"Shh, baby, no. I'm sorry, it's okay. Please, baby, it's okay." Castiel whispered softly until finally, Dean was still and silent, but Castiel knew he was still awake.  
"_In the darkness, two shadows, reaching through the hopeless, heavy dusk. Their hands meet, and light spills in a flood like a hundred golden urns pouring out of the sun_." Castiel recited softly.  
"What's that from?" Dean sniffed.  
"Some book*." Castiel said with a light laugh. Dean smiled up at him.  
"Stay here tonight? Please don't leave me."  
"I'm not leaving. Not ever."

_[__*****__And by 'some book' I mean 'The Song Of Achilles' by Madeline Miller.  
You should totally read it, guys, it's awesome.]_


	4. Chapter 4

**Four**

"So…where's Cas? I haven't seen him lately." Dean said one morning. Sam looked at him in surprise.  
"Lately meaning for three months." Sam chuckled, but it sounded forced. Dean chewed his lip.  
"Whatever. You two okay?" Dean asked, not completely sure what he wanted the answer to be. Sam sat down across from him at the kitchen table and sighed.  
"We broke up." He murmured. Dean tried to fight down the bubbles of hysterical laughter that were trying to escape from his throat.  
"What? Why? When?" Dean said, trying to sound angry rather than thrilled. Sam shrugged.  
"A week or so after we had that argument. It wasn't messy or anything, we both agreed that we just weren't suited together anymore, and that it was best for both of us that we see other people. Simple as that."  
"So are you still friends?"  
"Not really, no. We said that we'd go out for drinks some time, but that was three months ago. Honestly, Dean, I'm surprised you didn't notice earlier." Sam said. Dean pressed his lips together and forced his smile away.  
"Yeah, well, I don't really pay attention." He said with false nonchalance. Sam rolled his eyes and started eating his cereal. Dean hadn't known that Castiel and Sam had broken up because he hadn't actually _talked _to Castiel since that night. He'd woken up and saw Castiel trying to rush out the door, and when Dean tried to confront him, Castiel threw a soft and tearful "sorry, I can't do this" over his shoulder, and then he ignored Dean's calls for three months.  
"Son of a bitch." Dean snapped under his breath as he stomped up the stairs. Castiel had been single for three months and hadn't even bothered calling him. Dean suddenly felt very stupid for thinking that Castiel had ever really cared about him. Tears sprung to his eyes as he remembered the 'I love you' that Dean had silenced, and wished more than anything that he'd just let him say it, so that he'd be able to hear it. He didn't care if Castiel was only saying it because he was getting fucked, or because it fit the moment, he still wanted to say it, and that meant more than anything to Dean. For what seemed like the thousandth time, Dean punched Castiel's number into his phone and, as he thought, it went almost straight to answerphone. Dean sighed and left yet another message.  
"Cas, it's me again. Sam told me about you two. Why the fuck didn't you tell me? Why the fuck have you been ignoring me? This is my last message, because I'm not going to sit around and wait for you anymore. You had your chance. Goodbye, Castiel."  
Although Dean's voice sounded strong in the message, he felt anything but strong as his bottom lip quivered and tears rolled down his cheeks. He figured that Castiel had probably moved on already and had forgotten all about Dean. Just like everyone always did. Dean suddenly felt very cramped in the house, and needed to get out. It was a Sunday, so he didn't have to work, so instead he put on shorts and a tight black vest, despite the cold weather, and went out for a jog. As he passed Sam in the kitchen, the younger Winchester raised his eyebrow at him, but otherwise said nothing – Sam was by now used to Dean doing things on a whim. As soon as Dean stepped out the door and was immediately sliced by the ice cold air. The clouds were dark and he was aware that it could start raining (or snowing) at any moment. Still, he thought as he ran and felt his breathing get deeper, at least it took his mind off of Castiel.

Having heard Dean's last message, Castiel felt a wave of remorse. He thought that by ignoring Dean, he'd be giving him the space he thought both of them needed, but it seemed that it had had the opposite effect. The morning after Dean and Castiel's night together, Castiel had woken up early and was – at first – completely enchanted and filled with love at the sight of his lover sleeping gently and peacefully beside him. He liked the way his face was smooth and expressionless, and was without its usual furrowed eyebrows. However, Castiel very quickly realized that, as far as Dean was concerned, Castiel was no good, and that Dean needed more love and stability than Castiel would be able to provide – especially given his past. Looking back, Castiel realized that, between his hasty get away and ignoring Dean's messages, Dean was probably thinking that Castiel didn't care about him anymore. Castiel slumped over, his head in his hands, and sighed deeply. He'd made an awful mistake. He called Dean and waited with bated breath for him to answer, but he didn't. Castiel bit his lip and squeezed his eyes shut, realizing that Dean was being serious – he really was done with Castiel. Castiel thought back to what Dean said about "bringing home some slut from the bar" and was suddenly filled with panic. He called him again, and this time, left a message.  
"Dean, it's Cas. I'm sorry I've been ignoring you, but we really need to talk. Reply soon." Castiel said hastily, not giving himself a chance to change his mind. Castiel rocked backwards so he was slumped against the back of the sofa.  
"And now we wait."

When Dean didn't come home for five hours, Sam began to get worried. He called his cell, only to hear it ring from his bedroom upstairs.  
"Fuck." He murmured. He wouldn't have been worried if Dean had not been in such a bad mood recently – he didn't want a repeat of what had happened the night he and Castiel had that argument. Of course, he never really blamed Dean for that, but he was still slightly bitter about it. Sam had, undeniably, had feelings for Castiel – strong ones. One look in his blue eyes and Sam's heart raced. He felt breathless and dizzy and like he was flying. Castiel was so soft and kind and slightly naïve, but Sam found it endearing rather than annoying. He was missing him a lot, and quite frequently felt a strong urge to call him and invite him out, playing out a whole bunch of fantasies in his head of what could happen (most of them ending up with Castiel screaming out 'I love you, Sam' while coming hard). _I love you_. Castiel had told Sam that he didn't mean to say it, that he didn't mean it, that it just slipped out, and – even though Sam knew that all along – it still hurt. To Sam, being loved by someone like Castiel was a great achievement and something that would only happen once in a lifetime. Trying to keep his mind focused on finding Dean, Sam called Bobby.  
"Hey Bobby, have you seen Dean at all?" Sam asked. Even though Sam didn't work for Bobby, they were still quite close and had really good talks whenever he came over.  
"Not today I haven't. Why, did that idgit get himself lost?" Bobby growled. Sam chuckled.  
"Well, I don't know. He went out for a jog and hasn't been back for five hours. I know it's only 3pm, but I'm starting to worry."  
"Naw, don't be worried about Dean, he's probably off hooking up with some girl somewhere, or having a cheeseburger."  
"If you're sure. "  
"I am, but if it'll make you feel better, I'll get Ellen to keep an eye out for him at the roadhouse."  
"That'd be great, thanks Bobby." Sam said enthusiastically. Bobby grumbled something in reply, but Sam had already hung up, feeling lighter already from his talk with Bobby. Ever since their father had disowned both boys for being gay (or in Dean's case, awkwardly bisexual and in denial), Bobby had been a father figure to both of them, and talking to him made them feel safe no matter what their situation. Even though Sam was still concerned about Dean, he felt reassured that Bobby wasn't worried. For a split moment, Sam considered calling Castiel and asking if he'd seen Dean, but he decided against it – why would Castiel know where Dean was?

As Dean had expected it to, it had started snowing while he was out, so he took shelter in a small diner, and hadn't realized how long he'd been sat talking to the waitress there until she told him that her shift was over. He vaguely recognized her, and stopped her as she was leaving.  
"Hey, uh, do I know you?" he asked. She giggled and smiled.  
"I was your waitress a little while ago, you were here with your…uh…boyfriend?"  
"Not my boyfriend." He laughed uncomfortable. Seeming oblivious to his discomfort, she shrugged.  
"You looked like it, and he certainly looked like he wanted you to be."  
"What'd you mean?"  
"I just- he couldn't take his eyes off you. Every time you moved it was like you'd just told him he won the lottery. I could see him falling in love with you every time you smiled at him. Maybe it was just me."  
"Maybe." Dean murmured. The waitress (Lisa, Dean recalled, looking up at her name badge for confirmation) smiled, then raised an eyebrow.  
"You must be cold." She said, gesturing to his lack of clothes. Dean chuckled.  
"A bit."  
"If I were you, I'd jog over to that guy's house. Maybe he can warm you up a bit." She said, wiggling her eyebrows. Dean shook his head and laughed, but thanked her and gave her a five dollar tip.  
"Come back and let me how it goes!" she called after him. He smiled and agreed as he ducked out of the warmth of the diner and back into the already settling snow. Castiel's place wasn't too far a walk from where he was, probably about the same distance as it was back to his own house. On the way to Castiel's there was a long street, and along this were rows of stores, all with Christmas displays in the windows, each crowded around by little children wrapped up like little pillows with legs, while their parents tried to pull them away. Dean and Sam never really celebrated Christmas, so it wasn't with much guilt that he remembered that he hadn't even come close to buying any presents. Last year, he'd bought Sam a bunch of textbooks about law (apparently he liked them; something that Dean didn't understand but was grateful for), Bobby and Ellen got some Star Wars DVDs to watch when they had nights in (which were totally not dates, of course) and Benny had got a bouquet of roses on his grave. Ever since he'd told Castiel about it, he felt less hurt thinking about it, but it still stung. He knew that, as long as he lived, he'd love Benny, but that didn't mean that he couldn't move on. He convinced himself a few months ago (three, to be exact) that Benny would have wanted him to be happy, and that there was no point in torturing himself. Dean smiled fondly at a little girl with a white knit hat overing her chestnut brown ringlets that were pouring down around her pale cheeks. She smiled up at her mother and pointed exuberantly up at a doll in the window, her blue eyes shining. Her mother scooped her up into her arms and cuddled her, and Dean felt a pang of jealousy. At first, Dean thought it was because he never had a mother of his own, but he knew deep down that the real reason behind his jealousy was that he (though he'd never tell Sam) always wanted a baby girl. He and Benny had been discussing it a few months before he died, and he always thought that the dream died with him, but seeing this adorable little girl made the fire rekindle inside him, and he tried not to imagine what his and Castiel's baby would look like.

One thing Castiel hated about winter was how early it got dark. It was only four and the sky was already going dark, stars scattered around the deep blue of the sky. Still, Castiel liked the way the snow was falling softly outside the window, especially because he was inside his house, wrapped up in his favourite sweater by the fire and holding a cup of hot chocolate. Sure, it was cliché, but what else is Christmas for when you don't have anyone to spend it with? Castiel pressed his lips together. Christmas was in a week, and he was spending it the same way he spent it the year before – completely alone. As soon as the thought left his mind, a sharp knock was heard on his door. Castiel debated on not opening it for a moment, assuming it would just be carolers, but his interest got the better of him, and he walked over to the door sleepily. He hoped that whoever it was wouldn't be there for too long, his eyes were starting to get heavy. He opened the door to reveal brown hair matted down by snow, sharp green eyes, a cynical smile and way too much skin being exposed for winter.  
"Hey, Cas." Dean said, teeth chattering. There were a thousand things Castiel wanted to say, but all he could think of was:  
"Get your stupid ass into my house before you freeze!"  
Dean laughed and accepted the invitation, sighing as the warm air wrapped around his body.  
"Jesus, Dean, what were you _doing_."  
"Jogging. I didn't know it would snow." Dean murmured.  
"Why are you here? I mean, I'm glad to see you, but I-"  
"I felt like seeing you. Figured you couldn't ignore me if I showed up." Dean sniffed.  
"You ignored my call earlier." Castiel retorted.  
"I don't have my phone with me."  
"Oh. Fine. I'm sorry."  
"I don't wanna talk about it right now. Just get me a blanket or something?" Dean said, teeth chattering to prove his point. Castiel rolled his eyes and looked at Dean, hand on his hip.  
"You can't wear those, you'll freeze to death. Take 'em off, you can wear something of mine." Castiel sighed. Dean chuckled.  
"Damn, Cas, I've been here for five minutes and you're already trying to get me out of my pants?"  
Castiel laughed and timidly leaned forward to press a kiss on Dean's cheek, delighted when he didn't flinch or pull away.  
"Shut it, Winchester. I just don't want to have to fill out all the paper work when you freeze your cute little butt off and get pneumonia."  
"Yeah, okay, whatever." Dean grumbled good naturedly, letting Castiel lead him into his bedroom. Castiel opened his wardrobe and pulled out some sweatpants and an oversized sweater, turning to Dean expectantly.  
"Strip, then." He said. Dean laughed.  
"Don't try to dominate me." He joked.  
"Oh my God, Dean, are you being _shy_?"  
"What? No."  
"Then strip."  
"Fine. Turn around, then."  
"Why?"  
"Because."  
"Because you're shy. I think you forgot that-"  
"No, I haven't."  
"I think you forgot that I've seen you naked before, Dean." Castiel finished with a smug smile at Dean. Dean sighed and kissed him, a smile playing at his lips.  
"Shut up, Cas." He murmured. Castiel forced himself to break the kiss when he felt Dean shivering.  
"Get ready. I'll make you hot chocolate."  
"Thanks, Cas."  
Castiel didn't reply, but walked out of the room, a huge smile on his face from ear to ear. Dean looked at the clothes and smiled, feeling the soft material under his fingertips. He pulled his wet clothes and underwear off, discarding them on the floor. He bit his lip.  
"Hey Cas?" he called.  
"Yes, Dean?"  
"You didn't give me any underwear."  
"Oh."  
"Where is it?"  
"Not telling."  
"Why not?"  
Castiel didn't reply to this, and Dean just rolled his eyes, smiling. It was weird but not entirely surprising that he and Castiel had literally not spoken for months, and it was as if nothing had changed, except this time, they had nothing to hide. Dean pulled the warm, dry clothes over his cold, damp skin and sighed, wrapping his arms tightly around himself. His sweater smelled like Castiel, and he made a mental note to try to steal it – Castiel smelled really good.  
"Deeean. Hot chocolate." Castiel called. Dean emerged and smiled at Castiel, who smiled.  
"You look adorable." He sighed, handing Dean his drink. Dean took a sip and realized that he hadn't realized how cold he really was until he felt the hot drink sliding down his throat. Castiel sat on the sofa and patted the seat next to him, which Dean vacated.  
"I'm glad you're here." Castiel murmured, resting his head across Dean's legs. Dean put his cup on the windowsill and stroked through Castiel's dark brown hair.  
"Me too. Nearly didn't, but it was worth it. I needed to see you."  
"I missed you."  
"Then why did you ignore me?" Dean asked, unable to hide the hurt in his voice. Castiel sighed.  
"I meant to give you space. I thought you'd be mad at me for how I acted that morning…"  
"I was, but then I just got sad. I thought that I wasn't good enough for you."  
"You are. You're too good. That's the problem."  
"I don't wanna talk about this right now, Cas."  
"It's okay." Castiel said, sitting up and pulling Dean into his arms, peppering kisses on his forehead and cheeks, before claiming his mouth in a slow, sensual kiss, trying to show him how much he really had missed him, how much he cared about him. Dean kissed back with similar motives, wrapping himself almost completely around Castiel, their legs a tangled mess, and their hands gripping each other so tightly that they could each feel it, even through their thick sweaters.  
"Oh, Dean." Castiel sighed, his fingers running through Dean's damp hair. Dean smiled that irresistible smile of his, knocking the air out of Castiel.  
"I don't understand you."  
"What?"  
"You seem so amazed by me. Why?"  
"Because you're absolutely wonderful."  
"That seems like a good answer." Dean laughed, kissing Castiel's neck and making him giggle.  
"I'm happy you're here." Castiel murmured, tracing patterns with his fingertip across Dean's cheek. Dean smiled.  
"You already said that."  
"I mean it, though."  
"I know you do." Dean sighed, snuggling into Castiel. Castiel grabbed a blanket and wrapped it tightly around both of them, holding Dean, who was folded in his lap.  
"What are we even watching?" Dean asked, gesturing to the TV. Castiel shook his head.  
"I have no idea. I wasn't really watching." He said vacantly, his lips ghosting over the top of Dean's spine, making him quiver.  
"Not fair, Cas." Dean grumbled.  
"Mmm. Sorry." He sighed sleepily. Dean grinned and kissed his jaw.  
"You look tired. Should I leave?"  
"No!" Castiel said too quickly, making Dean chuckle.  
"Okay. Can I use your phone, though? I need to let Sammy know where I am."  
Castiel handed over the phone, but chewed his lip.  
"What's up?" Dean asked.  
"Do you really think it's a good idea to tell Sam you're here?"  
"You're not dating him anymore." Dean reminded him, and called his number.

"Dean, for fuck's sake, I've been so worried. Where the fuck _are_ you?"  
"I'm at Cas's."  
"Castiel's?"  
"Yeah."  
"Why?"  
"I was jogging and bumped into him, and he invited me in for a coffee, but then it started snowing. I'll leave once the snow lightens up."  
"Why didn't you call me sooner?"  
"Gosh, sorry Mom. Time got away from me."  
"See you later."  
"Bye, Sammy."  
Sam hung up and kicked the kitchen table leg. It wasn't fair. Why could Dean see Castiel and he couldn't? He didn't even think they liked each other. He knew it was stupid, but he couldn't help the burning jealousy that was alight throughout his body, and no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't reassure himself. Sam sat down at the kitchen table, head in hands, and tried to calm his racing heart and fleeting breath. He hated feeling like this. He wasn't usually a jealous person, but he couldn't bear the thought of Dean taking Castiel from him. _His _Castiel. He knew that he'd pretty much fucked up any chance of a relationship with him, but he knew that Castiel deserved better than Dean. With his track record alone (apart from Benny), he was enough to scare off any self-respecting human. Still, Sam was scared. He looked back to when Dean and Castiel would talk, and tried to find hints that they liked each other, secret glances, small smiles, but he came up empty, and felt slightly relieved. Perhaps, just this once, he should trust Dean.  
But then again, maybe he shouldn't.

Dean felt slightly uncomfortable. Castiel had fallen asleep on him, with his whole body literally draped over him. He wouldn't have minded, of course, but it was getting close to 9, and Dean thought he should probably start getting home before the snow – which was showing no signs of slowing down – got too unbearable. Moving was out of the question, because that would awaken Castiel, who would insist that Dean stayed the night, and Dean knew that it would be only too easy to convince him. It wasn't that Dean didn't want to stay with Castiel, it was that he was scared of what would happen in the morning if he did.  
"Wake up, Cas." He murmured softly, shaking him. Castiel groaned and smiled up at Dean sleepily, making Dean's heart hammer in his chest – he looked so sweet and vulnerable like this, Dean couldn't help but find him absolutely adorable.  
"Heya Dean." He murmured sleepily.  
"I'm gonna go home now, okay?" Dean mumbled into Castiel's hair. Castiel sat up straight, eyes bloodshot from tiredness.  
"No, don't go." He pleaded. Dean sighed and kissed him.  
"If I knew you'd be this annoying, I wouldn't have come over." He grumbled, but made no attempt to move from under Castiel.  
"C'mon, Dean, I haven't seen you in ages."  
"And who's fault is that?"  
"Not the point."  
"Yes it is."  
"Don't bring this up now, Dean."  
"I'm not trying to make you feel uncomfortable, Cas, I'm being serious. You ignored me for three months straight. The last time I spent the night with you, you tried leaving me in the early hours of the morning, even though you _knew _I'd need you when I woke up."  
"I'm sorry. I don't know what else I can say. I don't want you to leave because you might not come back."  
"You know I will."  
"No, I don't. Why would you come back to me?"  
"Because I want to, and you have to trust that that's enough."  
"Dean-"  
"Give me your phone."  
"Why?"  
"Do it."

Sam was a ball of nerves when he answered his phone.  
"Hello?"  
"Hey, Sammy."  
"Oh. Dean." He said, slightly disappointed.  
"The snow is still…"  
"I know. Want me to come get you."  
"No, it's dangerous, Sam. I'll just chill here tonight."  
"Wait what? I mean…is Castiel okay with that?"  
"Yeah, I'm only gonna be on his couch. I'll probably be gone before he even wakes up. I just thought I'd tell you so you're not up waiting for me."  
"Oh…okay. Sure. Bye."  
"Woah, wait, Sammy, you okay?"  
"I'm fine. Bye Dean." Sam said, hanging up. Of course, he _wasn't _fine. He ran a hand through his hair and took in a shaky breath. That was the second time – that he knew of – that Dean and Castiel had spent the night together, and it terrified him. All through his life, Sam had watched all the girls (and some guys) that he liked eventually start falling for Dean, and then they'd stop talking to both of them when Dean inevitably broke their hearts. It was reasons like this that Sam hadn't had many friends as a kid. Now that he'd found someone who he thought was almost perfect for him, he could almost feel Dean tearing him away. Granted, they were currently broken up, but Sam still had feelings for him, and he just prayed that they were returned, but most of all, he prayed that Dean wasn't the one who Castiel was calling 'baby' and looking at with those big, blue eyes. Sam heaved a sob and leaned forward so his head was resting flat against the table, tears swimming in front of his eyes. It wasn't fucking fair.

Castiel was smiling smugly at Dean, who rolled his eyes and hit him playfully.  
"Shut up." He growled.  
"You intended to stay here all along, didn't you." Castiel accused. Dean opened his mouth to argue, then shut it. He couldn't deny it.  
"Yeah, well. Shut up."  
"You're cute."  
"Adorable." Dean sighed sarcastically. Castiel kissed across his jawline and Dean hummed happily, relaxing into his open arms.  
"It's okay, I like you staying with me. Doesn't feel right sleeping without you."  
"Yes, I'm sure sleeping with me is quite the thrill." Dean said with a wink, and Castiel rolled his eyes in response.  
"I wouldn't know, I didn't sleep much last time."  
"Sorry, I'll make sure you get a really good night's sleep tonight, Cas." Dean murmured, letting his hand slide slowly across the rapidly growing lump in Castiel's jeans. Castiel moaned and pushed his hips up.  
"Dean, no." he groaned, dragging out his name.  
"Aw, why not babe?" Dean asked softly, his fingers working at the buttons on Castiel's jeans.  
"Tired."  
"You can sleep for all I care." Dean chuckled, stroking his lover's erection through the thin material of his boxers. Castiel whimpered and held Dean's arm.  
"Dean no-don't stop." He whispered passionately.  
"I wasn't going to." Dean sighed, getting off the sofa and sitting in between Castiel's legs, looking hungrily up at him as he slid his jeans and boxers down.  
"D-Dean? What are you- _fuck_." He moaned as Dean licked softly around the head, his green eyes meeting Castiel's gaze and holding it steadily. The way Dean's tongue was moving rapidly across the tip was almost enough to make Castiel come on its own, and when Dean finally took his whole dick in his mouth, Castiel nearly lost it.  
"How the fuck-"  
"Practice." Dean smirked. Castiel felt jealousy bubbling in his stomach.  
"Practice?"  
"Oh yeah. You can't think that you're the only person in the last year I've done this with? I've fucked more guys than I can keep track of."  
"But I-"  
"You thought you were special? That's cute, babe, real cute. I'm just using you, Cas." Dean purred. Castiel moaned and tangled his hand in Dean's hair, forcing him down onto his cock. Of course, Castiel knew he was just lying to get a reaction out of him, but that didn't mean that it didn't work.  
"Slut." Castiel hissed. Dean winked at him, and Castiel was struck by his beauty, especially the way his tight pink lips were stretched over his cock.  
"Fuck, Dean, let me fuck you." Castiel whined. Dean raised his eyebrows.  
"A bit presumptuous." Dean teased, but he climbed up on the sofa next to Castiel and began taking his clothes off, and Castiel's dick twitched when he remembered that Dean wasn't wearing any underwear. Without Castiel even saying anything, Dean lay down on his back with his legs spread.  
"Take me, honey, I'm yours." Dean whispered passionately. Castiel nodded and kissed him, his hand caressing his cheek.  
"Damn." Castiel moaned as he put his face in between Dean's legs and started lapping at his hole with his tongue. Dean writhed beneath him, and Castiel had to roughly hold his thighs down.  
"Sorry, babe, I'll be good." Dean laughed, his hand absent-mindedly stroking Castiel's hair as he licked him, and tightening when the first finger was added.  
"Oh shit, ow." Dean groaned.  
"Did I hurt you?" Castiel asked concernedly. Dean smiled.  
"No, honey, keep going. I want this. Want you."  
Castiel nodded wordlessly and twisted his finger inside Dean, pumping it in and out until he thought Dean was ready for a second, but just to make sure, he shoved four of his fingers into Dean's mouth for him to suck and lubricate.  
"Just in case." Castiel murmured as Dean licked and sucked Castiel's fingers, and Castiel had to try to keep himself from thinking about what Dean had been doing to his cock only moments before. Castiel pulled his hands out of Dean's mouth and slid two of them into his ass, making him push his hips up and moan.  
"So good, Cas." He whimpered, fucking himself down onto Castiel's fingers. Castiel smiled and planted little kisses along his thighs and hips. Castiel slowly added the third finger, and was pleased when Dean cried out from pleasure rather than pain.  
"Hang on, babe, let me change position." Dean panted. Castiel removed his hand and let Dean move so that he was on his hands and knees, ass up. _Fuck. _  
"You look so sexy like that." Castiel panted, sliding his three fingers back into Dean.  
"Fuck, hit me, Cas." He moaned.  
"Wh-what?"  
"I said fucking hit me." Dean begged. Reluctantly, Castiel smacked Dean hard on the ass, making him jerk back and moan.  
"Yeah, babe, like that." Dean moaned. Castiel shoved the fourth finger into Dean's hole.  
"Ow, fuck." Dean hissed. Castiel brought his hand down on him again.  
"I thought you wanted me to hurt you?" he snarled. Dean bit his lip and smiled, loving the way Castiel was taking control.  
"I'm ready for you now, baby, give it to me." He whimpered. Castiel laughed, but it sounded shaky and nervous.  
"Slut." He murmured, but removed his fingers and spread Dean out, sliding his cock slowly into him (or rather, he meant to, but Dean backed himself onto it so fast that Castiel didn't have much control). Castiel got into a position where he could move, and started fucking Dean, his hand on his shoulder.  
"Kiss me." Dean panted, turning around. Castiel pulled him towards him and kissed him roughly, still pounding into him.  
"So good, so good."  
"You're so fucking tight, Dean." Cas moaned, digging his nails into Dean's thighs. Castiel didn't worry about going slow as to not hurt Dean, and just plunged himself into him roughly, reassuring himself with Dean's moans of pleasure.  
"Oh…Dean, I'm coming." He cried out as he filled Dean's hole with his come. He pulled out and cringed at the noise it made. Dean was immediately on him, pinning him down to the sofa while he pumped his cock in his face.  
"Such a good boy, Cas. So good for me. You're mine, babe, all mine." Dean whispered as hot jets of come erupted from him and covered Castiel's face and chest. He collapsed backwards, smiling at Castiel and throwing him a blanket to clean himself off with.  
"That was…"  
"I know." Castiel breathed. They didn't bother putting their clothes back on, rather Dean just crawled between Castiel's legs and rested against him, both of them feeling nothing but the other's skin against them. Dean planted small kisses across Castiel's chest and neck, smiling fondly up at him.  
"What?" Castiel asked with a smile. Dean shrugged.  
"Nothing. I just love you." He said, stroking Castiel's face delicately with his fingers, as if he thought he'd break if he were too rough. Castiel smiled and buried his nose and mouth in Dean's hair.  
"I love you too." He sighed, smiling widely.  
"Aw, that's a shame." Dean sighed.  
"Mm?"  
"Well, now we can hurt each other." Dean sighed. Castiel kissed Dean's forehead.  
"I don't think you ever could hurt me. I love you too much to ever be hurt by you. Does that make sense?"  
"Not too much, but I don't care. Can I tell you something?"  
"Please."  
"Remember the first time we- and you were going to tell me that you loved me?"  
"Yes?"  
"Every day since, I've been regretting stopping you from saying that. I thought I'd never get the chance to hear it. I was terrified."  
"Don't be. I love you."  
"Say it again." Dean sighed, closing his eyes and focusing on Castiel's heartbeat.  
"I love you. I love you. I love you."  
"Why?"  
"Because I can't imagine not loving you, it feels like I've been doing it forever, like breathing."  
"Breathing. Is that how natural we are to you?"  
"More. Breathing is something that your body does for you, but love is something that you did to me."  
"You sound like you've never been in love."  
"Maybe I haven't."  
"Does it live up to the hype?" Dean laughed. Castiel smiled.  
"Let's see. Getting to kiss and hug and _fuck _a gorgeous guy, _and _have him want me to do all that, _and _have him say he loves me back, _and _being able to call him mine? Yes, definitely."  
"You're a hopeless romantic, Cas." Dean sighed.  
"Is that bad?"  
"Not right now."  
"Then I don't care. Goodnight, Dean." Castiel added when he saw Dean yawning. Dean kissed him.  
"Goodnight, Cas. I love you."  
"And I you."


	5. Chapter 5

**Five**

Sam woke up to the shrill noise of _Carry On My Wayward Son _blasting from Dean's phone from his bedroom (the door of which he'd left open). Sam had fallen asleep on the sofa with a bottle of whisky in his hand and little recollection of how he ended up there. He trudged upstairs groggily and grabbed Dean's phone off the bed.  
"Hello?" Sam mumbled gruffly.  
"Hey, Sam. Where's Dean?" Bobby grumbled, sounding almost as tired as Sam.  
"Is he not at work?"  
"Nah, should'a been here half an hour ago, too. Thought he was sick." Bobby said, concerned. Sam laughed bitterly.  
"He didn't stay here last night, he was at Castiel's."  
"Castiel, your ex-boyfriend Castiel?"  
"The same."  
"Oh. Well, when you see 'im, let him know I called."  
"I will. Bye Bobby." Sam sighed. Sam was going to put Dean's phone down, but the red light beeping to show that he had a voice mail message caught his attention. Sam held the phone up to his ear and listened.  
"Dean, it's Cas. I'm sorry I've been ignoring you, but we really need to talk. Reply soon."  
Sam clenched his jaw. Ignoring him? What did that even mean? Sam looked through Dean's calls and was astonished to find nearly thirty calls from Dean's phone to Castiel's, and none of them had been answered. Knowing he'd regret it, Sam opened up Dean's outbox and found a text to Castiel, sent only a week before.  
_"Cas, please stop this. I don't know if you're angry at me or what, but I'm sorry if I did anything wrong. I really care about you and I don't want what happened to make you feel weird around me. Honestly, I thought you'd want me to do it, and I'm sorry if you felt like you had to. I guess after you and Sam had had an argument probably wasn't the best time, but I couldn't help it, I feel so protective – so possessive of you, and it drives me crazy. Please forgive me Cas.  
Dean." _  
Sam didn't need to know what happened, because he'd already guessed. He flung Dean's phone against the wall and it smashed, the pieces falling limply to the floor. Feeling slightly better, Sam walked back downstairs to see if he could find himself any more whisky.

The first thing Dean noticed when he woke up was that he hurt. A lot. He tried to move his leg, but his muscles ached in protest, so he just laid still.  
"Cas…" he called, his voice dry.  
"Morning, Dean." Castiel said, coming into the room from the kitchen, a vague smile on his face. He wasn't wearing anything but an apron, and Dean beamed at him.  
"You hurt me." Dean sighed, lifting himself into a sitting position and wincing as he did. Castiel chuckled.  
"Sorry, I kinda lost control." He said. Dean shrugged and laughed.  
"I didn't mind. Kinda paying for it now."  
"Sorry, again. I guess it's a good thing I intend on bringing your breakfast to you, huh?" Castiel smiled, disappearing into the kitchen and reappearing with a tray with bacon, eggs, sausage and toast on it. Dean beamed at him, kissing him gently on the cheek when he bent over to hand the tray to him.  
"Thank you, baby." Dean sighed, digging in to his food. Castiel sat next to him and watched him wolf down the food, smiling proudly.  
"What time is it?" Dean asked.  
"Eleven." Castiel answered casually. Dean gulped hard and gaped at Castiel.  
"Shit, I'm really late for work."  
"Eat first, I'll help you get ready after." Castiel snapped, and Dean laughed as he finished the rest of his breakfast, leaving the emptied tray on the windowsill when he was done, and Castiel took it into the kitchen to wash it.  
"Hey Cas, where are my clothes?" Dean asked, searching the room.  
"I got some from my closet and left them on the armchair for you. I'll wash your jogging clothes and give them back to you another time" Castiel called back. Surely enough, Dean noticed a small pile of clothes on the chair. Upon further inspection, he found them to be a plain grey t shirt, a blue hoodie and a pair of jeans. He began pulling the slightly too-small clothes on fumbling with the buttons. Castiel came into the room and chuckled.  
"Yeah, sorry, they're a bit tricky." Castiel sighed, doing them up for Dean and smiling, his hand sliding down his smooth chest.  
"I think you should stay like this. And stay here. And take off your clothes." Castiel murmured. Dean laughed and kissed him.  
"You're bad, Cas." He said, pulling his shirt over his head.  
"Only when you're here. I behave usually, I promise."  
"How boring. Please don't ever behave around me." Dean smiled. Castiel looped his fingers in Dean's belt loops and pulled him forward, smiling softly.  
"I couldn't if I tried." He sighed, kissing Dean. Dean melted into his touch, locking his arms around Castiel's neck.  
"Oh, Cas, I need to go." Dean mumbled into his lover's mouth. Castiel pulled away and pouted, making Dean chuckle.  
"I'll see you soon okay?" he promised.  
"How are you getting there?"  
"I thought I'd walk home and get baby, and then-"  
"Don't be silly. I'll at least drive you home." Castiel said. Dean knew that he was offering for the sole reason that they'd be able to spend more time together, but he had no opposition to that at all, so he agreed happily.  
"Okay, just let me change." Castiel smiled. Dean nibbled his earlobe and laughed breathily.  
"You don't have to, you know." He said gruffly. Castiel ran his hands through Dean's hair.  
"Who's bad now?" he teased, and Dean poked his tongue out at him. Castiel gave Dean a quick, chaste kiss.  
"Five minutes, honest." He said, bounding from the room.  
"Dammit, Cas." Dean laughed, running a hand through his hair. He hadn't really wanted to think about it, but he knew from the phonecalls that Sam was pissed at him – and for good reason. Still, he was hoping that Sam would already be at work by the time he got home, because he didn't want an argument with his brother to ruin his perfect morning. He heard thumping coming from Castiel's room and laughed.  
"Are you okay in there Cas?" he called.  
"Fuck off, Dean." Castiel snapped, making Dean laugh harder.  
"Did you fall?"  
"No. Yes. Maybe. Fuck off."  
"Love you!"  
"Shut up. And I love you back."  
"Good, get your ass out here, then." Dean called, and chuckled when Castiel didn't reply. He stalked out of the bedroom a few moments later, wearing sweatpants similar to the ones Dean had been wearing the night before and a plain black sweater.  
"C'mon then, Winchester." Castiel said, taking Dean's hand.  
"Oh, stop being so grumpy." Dean teased.  
"I stubbed my toe."  
"Want me to kiss it better?" Dean said, wiggling his eyebrows. Castiel wrinkled his nose.  
"That's horrible, Dean." He said, but he was smiling lightly. When they opened the front door, they were greeted by a blanket of snow covering everything, sparkling slightly in the sunlight.  
"Pretty." Castiel sighed. Dean kissed his jaw.  
"Beautiful." He said appreciatively, and Castiel blushed, dragging Dean over to the car.  
"Nice car. Whoever fixed it up for you did an awesome job." Dean smiled, ducking into the car. Castiel laughed.  
"I think he should give me my money back."  
"Why?"  
"Because I already paid him in sex, it's not fair that I pay him in money too."  
"Is it common for you to pay people in sex?"  
"Only the sexy ones." Castiel said smoothly.  
"You flirt like a teenage girl, Cas." Dean muttered.  
"And you blush like one." Castiel observed, sliding his hand up and down Dean's thigh as he drove. Dean clenched his fists and held onto the seat of the car.  
"And I repeat. You're bad."  
"You love me, though." Castiel smiled. Dean gave him a small, fond smile and held his hand.  
"I know I do." He sighed, rubbing Castiel's hand with his thumb. Castiel squeezed Dean's hand.  
"I love you too, though, so it's okay."  
"I like it when you say that."  
"I like saying it. I love you, Dean Winchester." Castiel said, unable to keep the smile off his face. Dean hummed happily and closed his eyes, feeling nothing but Castiel's hand clasped in his own. Too soon, Castiel stopped the car.  
"C'mon babe, we're here." He said softly, giving Dean's hand a small squeeze. Dean groaned and rolled his head to look at Castiel.  
"Do I have to?"  
"Yes, you do. C'mon babe, I'll see you later, kay?"  
"Kay. Love you."  
"Love you too." Castiel smiled, leaning in and kissing Dean slowly, his hand cupping his cheek. Dean leaned into the kiss, sliding his seatbelt off and pouring himself into Castiel's lap, who just chuckled and wrapped his arms around him.  
"You're a child, Dean."  
"Shut up, Cas." Dean smirked, kissing Castiel again, his hands running through his hair. Castiel broke the kiss and pecked him once more on the nose.  
"Go to work, idiot!" he laughed. Dean pouted, but gave him one last kiss goodbye and stumbled out of the car.  
"See you soon, baby."  
"Bye, Cas." Dean smiled, waving as the car drove off. Once the car was out of sight, Dean, still smiling, walked over to the front door and let himself in the house.  
"Sammy! I'm home!" he called, but there was no answer. He shrugged and walked into the living room.  
"Sam?" he asked, upon noticing his brother sitting on the sofa. He looked exhausted with his red-rimmed eyes and messy hair. Sam gave him a sarcastic smile.  
"Hello Dean. Have a good night?"  
"Uh, I guess. What's up?" Dean asked, eyeing the whisky bottle on the table.  
"I found your phone." Sam said curtly. Dean didn't understand what he meant at first, but it slowly sank in. He decided to play dumb.  
"So?"  
"So I read your messages."  
"What? Not cool, Sammy. I have personal stuff on there."  
"Yeah, like you fucked my boyfriend." Sam snapped. Dean squeezed his eyes shut.  
"No, Sammy, look, it's not like that."  
"How long?"  
"What?"  
"How long have you two been fucking behind my back?"  
"Only twice."  
"Twice?" Sam breathed. Dean pressed his lips together, figuring he might as well tell Sam the entire truth.  
"He was the guy I met at work, the one I was flirting with, but I swear, I didn't know he was your boyfriend at first, honest. Then he came over and…I wanted him to stay with you Sammy, I begged him to, and he tried his best, but-"  
"He couldn't resist." Sam snapped.  
"It wasn't that, exactly, we kind of kept drifting towards each other. It was unconscious, we tried to stay away but we couldn't. Well, finally, that night I didn't come home, when I was drunk, I called Cas and he picked me up and took me home. That was the first time we-"  
"Fucked?"  
"No. Kissed. That was the first time we kissed. I stayed with him that night, not because I was too drunk to come home, but because I wanted to be with him. When we came home and you got mad at him, and you had that fight, he came upstairs to me. We argued a bit, because I was hurt."  
"You were _hurt_?"  
"He told you he loved you, Sam, and that hurt me a lot."  
"Oh, poor Dean."  
"He didn't mean it, Sam, so don't fucking act like I'm being a spoilt bitch. If I had thought for a minute that he really loved you, I'd have moved out of town to make it work for you, but he didn't – he doesn't."  
"You're actually rationalizing this?"  
"No, of course not. I know it's wrong, but I'm trying to explain what happened in a way you'll understand."  
"So explain."  
"That was the first time we made love. It was…weird. It was emotional and it was more like he was trying to comfort me. He tried…"  
"Tried what?"  
"Nothing."  
"Dean."  
"He tried telling me he loved me, but I wouldn't let him. Wrong place, wrong time."  
"Wrong guy."  
"Sam."  
"Fine. Keep explaining, because I'm not getting it yet."  
"Well, we didn't speak for three months after that. He was ignoring me. Yesterday when I went jogging, I went to his house and it was…Sam, it was amazing. He was kind and it felt like we lived together, and it was everything I could possibly ever want. That was the second time we had sex, and the first time we said 'I love you.' And now we're here."  
"Why?"  
"Why what, Sam?"  
"Why did you tell him you love him?"  
"Because I do, and that's what I'm trying to get you to understand. This isn't sex, and it's not just to get one over on you. I love him, Sammy. I love him so much that I feel like I'd die without him. Sammy, I'm in love with him, and he loves me too. I know, what happened was awful, and you probably can't trust me, but I want you to accept us and forgive us."  
"How can I ever forgive you? He's the first person I've really liked since Ruby, and you stole him from me. "  
"No, fuck, Sam. I didn't steal him, he was never yours."  
"And what? He's yours?"  
"I'd like to think so."  
"You're ridiculous. You talk about loving him, but I know the truth. You don't love him, Dean, because you can't love. Everyone you love leaves you: Dad, Mom, Benny. You wanna know why that is? It's because you're so fucking messed up that you drive people away. You don't love Castiel, you want his cock in your ass because he reminds you of Benny. You're lonely, and I understand that, Dean, I do, but fucking over Castiel and trying to convince him that you love him when you don't is wrong. You're a heartless piece of shit, Dean. You can't love, and you don't deserve love."  
"Shut the fuck up, Sam." Dean snapped, his eyes burning with rage.  
"I wonder how poor Cassy will feel when he realizes that he's just a meaningless rebound?"  
"He's not! Fuck, Sam, I love him!"  
"Better go warn him, then. Wouldn't want this one to be crushed by a car." Sam sneered, then stopped. He knew he'd gone too far. Dean's face twisted in rage, and for a moment, Sam was sure that Dean was going to hit him, but he didn't. Dean stormed out of the room and charged upstairs. Sam put his head in his hands and sighed. He hadn't wanted that to happen. He was angry, yes, but he hadn't wanted to bring up Benny. He promised himself that he wouldn't bring up Benny. Drunkenly, Sam staggered to his feet and walked clumsily upstairs.  
"Dean?" he asked, poking his head into Dean's room. Dean had a bag out and was shoving his stuff into it, and didn't reply. Sam bit his trembling bottom lip.  
"Dean, no, don't go. I'm sorry, man, we can fix this." He said. Dean looked up at him incredulously.  
"Fuck off, Sam. You know you went too far." Is all he said as he continued shoving things into his bag. Sam had no response, because he knew what Dean was saying was true.  
"Where will you go?" he asked as Dean zipped up the bag and pushed past him.  
"Anywhere but here." Dean snarled.  
"You're going to Castiel, aren't you? He won't take you!" Sam called. Dean laughed.  
"And why's that?"  
"He won't want you there all the time. Watch, he'll get bored." Sam didn't know why he was saying it, and tried to stop, but the words kept pouring out of his mouth. Dean scoffed and threw his bag over his shoulder.  
"I can risk it." He retorted. Sam continued shouting mostly incoherent abuse at Dean, before he turned around.  
"You know what Cas said to me the first time we fucked? He said 'fuck Sam, I don't care about Sam, it's you.' He's never wanted you. He never will." Dean growled, before storming out the front door.  
"You're pathetic, Dean!" Sam called out to Dean, who replied with a middle finger just before he slammed the car door shut.

"Don't fucking cry." Dean whispered to himself as tears poured silently down his cheeks. His hands were shaking so much that he was sure he shouldn't be driving, but still he pressed on. He felt a knot in his stomach and thought he might throw up. He knew Sam was only saying things like that because he was drunk and mad, but it didn't make them any less painful. He knew he loved Castiel, and he wasn't about to let Sam put doubt in his mind. To cheer himself up, Dean thought about what was waiting at Castiel's house when he arrived. Cas would answer the door in one of his dorky sweaters and jeans and smile when he saw Dean. Dean would have stopped crying by then, and he'd smile and kiss his lover. He'd tell him that he wanted to stay for a few nights, that Sam had found out everything and he needed his baby. Castiel would scoff and say that Dean should stay always, and then they'd kiss…  
Dean smiled and sighed. Though the 'means of acquirement' weren't the best, Dean felt happy and lucky to have Castiel in his life. Breathing deeply to keep himself calm, Dean parked the car outside Castiel's warm, happy apartment complex and forced himself to walk to the car. The cold wind sliced at the wet tears on his face, but he ignored it. He'd be in the warm soon. He knocked on the door and heard scuttling around, and immediately smiled. Castiel threw the door open and his face fell.  
"Dean?" he asked uncertainly. Dean pressed his lips together, feeling stupid for thinking he could come here.  
"Dean, baby, why are you crying?" Castiel asked, pulling him tightly into his arms. Dean hadn't even realized he was still crying, but he held tightly onto Castiel's arms and cried into his shoulders. Castiel shushed him and stroked his back, prying his bag out of his fingers.  
"Hey, babe, what's wrong? What happened, darling?" Castiel asked, leading Dean to the sofa. Dean sniffed.  
"Cas…Sam found out. He read my messages on my phone. I told him everything."  
"And he kicked you out?" Castiel asked, outraged. Dean smiled tearily and stroked Castiel's cheek.  
"No, honey, not at all. I left. He-he started saying some things and I got mad, and I left. I guess it was a bit shit for me to come here and expect you to want me. I'll just stay the night until I find somewhere else to live and-"  
"Dean, don't be silly. You know I'll let you live here with me." Castiel said, rubbing Dean's arm. Dean smiled and laughed a little.  
"I hoped you'd say that." He sighed, nuzzling his face into Castiel's chest.  
"That's okay, honey. Let's get you unpacked. I assume you don't mind sharing my room? I have a guest room, if you do…" Castiel murmured Dean kissed him and smiled.  
"No, I want to share yours." He said, and the smile that crossed Castiel's face was priceless.  
"Good. I'll take your bags, you go have a shower." Castiel instructed. Dean grinned and kissed Castiel slowly.  
"I love you."  
"Go have a shower, dumbass." Castiel laughed. Dean rolled his eyes and trudged off to the bathroom. Once Dean was out of sight, Castiel chewed his lip. It wasn't that he didn't want Dean to live with him – honestly, nothing would make him happier – but he was unsure of what it would mean for them. He knew that living with someone put tension on the relationship, and sometimes broke it. Castiel snorted a bit – he didn't even know if they had a relationship. As far as Castiel could remember, they'd never really spoken about it. He knew that Dean didn't really like those kinds of labels (just like he couldn't ever call himself bisexual), but Castiel thought that, if he and Dean were going to be living this closely for – what he hoped would be – a long time, they should probably work out what was going on between them and if there was a future for them. Castiel heard the shower come on and drifted into the kitchen, humming vaguely to himself as he made himself and Dean gingerbread lattes. The warmth that surrounded him from the soft yet obvious smell of gingerbread calmed Castiel down and made him think of cold winter nights that he'd spent with his father and siblings: Anna, Michael and Gabriel. They used to make gingerbread together, and Castiel would always have to help Anna clean herself up afterwards when she got clumps of it knotted in her fine, red hair. Castiel smiled and sat down on the sofa, waiting for Dean. As if in answer to his thoughts, Castiel heard the water being turned off and the soft pad of feet on tile.  
"You find everything okay?" Castiel called as the bathroom door opened. Dean appeared wearing only a towel and smiling, his wet hair pushed back.  
"Yeah, thanks Cas. What's that?" he asked, gesturing to the steaming mug.  
"It's a gingerbread latte. Try it." Castiel said, patting the seat next to him. Dean sat down and took a long drink of the coffee, smiling appreciatively.  
"Wow, Cas, this tastes awesome. Did you make this yourself?"  
"I'm not just a pretty face, Dean." Castiel teased, squeezing Dean's leg. They drank in silence, casting each other quick adoring glances and smiling fondly, occasionally reaching out to touch some part of each other's body.  
"I need to talk to you, Dean." Castiel said finally, putting down his empty mug. Dean swallowed the last mouthful and turned his attention completely to Castiel.  
"Of course, what's up?"  
"I…I'm a little confused, actually. I'm so happy you're staying with me, Dean, really. I can't think of anything I'd prefer…"  
"But?"  
"But what is this? I love you, and you love me, and we fuck, and we live together, but we're not dating. I don't understand it, Dean. I'm not being a thirteen year old girl, honest, but I just want some…stability. I want some sort of promise that you won't leave. I need to be someone to you."  
"Cas, you are. Me calling you my boyfriend doesn't make you any more my boyfriend than you were before."  
"I'm confused."  
"You're my boyfriend. We're together. An item. I'm yours and you're mine. But just because I haven't said it until now, doesn't mean I've only just thought of it. Honestly, Cas, I just thought you'd assumed-"  
"I wasn't sure if you wanted it. You know, a boyfriend."  
"I want you. And if you want to call yourself my boyfriend, then I can do that. Really, Cas, I want this to work and I want to be with you for a very long time."  
"Okay. So we're…"  
"Together, yes. We can update the facebook statuses later." Dean said with a wink and Castiel rolled his eyes, leaning against Dean, who put his arm around him.  
"You're absolutely adorable when you're flustered." Dean laughed into Castiel's hair.  
"I'm not cute I am strong and manly." Castiel snapped good-naturedly.  
"Of course, Cas. You're my big strong man." Dean said, teasing.  
"I am."  
"I know."  
"Bullshit." Castiel laughed. Dean shrugged and pulled Castiel closer to him, kissing his nose.  
"I'm very late for work." Dean murmured. Castiel kissed him.  
"It's so cold out there though, Dean."  
"You're right. You've convinced me. I'll stay." Dean said, winking at Castiel.  
"I always am." Castiel said smugly, earning a clip around the ear from Dean. Castiel sighed and peppered kisses around Dean's bare chest and neck, making the younger man squirm.  
"That's ticklish!" Dean groaned, trying to push Castiel off him, but to no avail – Castiel was much stronger than him.  
"Aw, you don't want me to stop." Castiel said, beginning to tickle Dean's sides. Dean shrieked with laughter and kicked his legs, making the towel go flying across the room, but Castiel didn't care – he was ruthless. His fingers dug into Dean's sides and made them jump.  
"I…will…kill…you." Dean panted, trying to fight Castiel off. Castiel snorted.  
"Course." He teased, but his finger ceased and Dean caught his breath.  
"You're evil. I'll get you back." Dean threatened.  
"I'm sure you will, dear." Castiel said absent-mindedly, patting Dean's leg. Dean sighed and leaned into Castiel, holding tightly onto his shirt.  
"You okay?"  
"Yeah. If I tell you something, do you promise to not be upset?"  
"I can try…" Castiel said, suddenly nervous.  
"Sam said that I couldn't love. He said I was heartless and that I only wanted you as a rebound for Benny, and that I didn't really love you at all. It's not true, Cas, I can feel it. I love you so much that this feeling couldn't ever be fake. But when he said it, I got this flash of…doubt running through me, and I feel so guilty for it. It was only a second, but it's tearing me apart that I could ever doubt what we have." Dean said, seemingly all in one breath. Castiel was quiet for only a moment, and then kissed Dean's head.  
"Don't be silly, Dean. It's natural that you should doubt it if the flaws are being brought to your attention. Sam was saying that so that you would feel that way. I'm sure if he started talking about all the things that are wrong with you (not that I think anything is, of course), I might be a bit put off. The important thing is that you managed to realize where your heart is, and it's here with me. Thank you, though, for telling me. It means a lot." Castiel said with a soft smile. Dean looked absolutely bewildered.  
"That's really not the reply I was expecting." Dean laughed.  
"Were you waiting for me to start shouting at you and crying? I'm not mad, Dean. Really."  
"You're too good for me, Cas." Dean sighed, burying his face in Castiel's arm. Castiel smiled and kissed his head.  
"We're too good for each other, which is great because then you'll never leave me, and I know I could never leave you."  
"That's an odd way of looking at it." Dean smiled. Castiel shrugged.  
"I like it, though. Makes us equal and it gives me hope that I might be almost half as wonderful as you."  
"Oh, Cas." Dean sighed, rolling his eyes.

Bobby was worried. Sam hadn't got back to him about Dean, and Dean sure as hell hadn't called him.  
"Balls." He muttered, grabbing his phone. He punched in Dean's number and was more than a little surprised when he answered almost straight away.  
"Bobby, hey, sorry, I couldn't come in. Snow…" Dean said lamely. Bobby rolled his eyes.  
"Boy, you know I wasn't born yesterday. What happened."  
"I-look, Bobby, it's difficult to explain. Sam and I got into a fight and I moved out."  
"Are you okay?" Bobby said gruffly, but Dean knew he was concerned.  
"I'm fine, I'm staying with a friend." Dean said, winking at Castiel.  
"Which friend?" Bobby demanded.  
"…Cas…" Dean murmured.  
"Dean!"  
"I'm sorry! You don't understand, okay I-let me explain okay? Not now. Just let me explain everything."  
"Fine. Take care of yourself."  
"Thanks, Bobby." Dean said, and Bobby could almost hear the relief in his voice. Idgit. Bobby ran a hand through his hair and sighed, looking up at the clock. Only twenty minutes and then he could go home to his home, his stuff and his girlfriend. Bobby smiled, almost forgetting the disappointment he'd felt for Dean when he mentioned Castiel – if Castiel could make Dean even half as happy as Ellen made Bobby, then their relationship was fine by him, and he'd be able to convince Sam. With that feeling of hope, Bobby carried on working with a soft smile on his face.


	6. Chapter 6

**Six.**

"You cheated." Dean said dully, his eyes blank k, his expression unfathomable. Castiel chewed his lip for a while, then sighed.  
"Dean, you've got it wrong. I didn't cheat, I-"  
"I saw you with my own eyes." Dean hissed.  
"Babe, let me explain…"  
"You're just going to lie to me."  
"Why would I lie to you? Why would I ever lie to you?"  
"I watched you while you cheated, and you're going to say you didn't lie?"  
"No, look, it's not cheating because-"  
"It is too cheating."  
"No, babe. You're supposed to take $200 when you pass go. It's just how the game works." Castiel insisted, gesturing to the Monopoly board. Dean rolled his eyes, but there was a hint of a smile on his face.  
"I don't know, Cas. Can't trust you…" he murmured, his eyes alight with amusement.  
"What if I made you one of my gingerbread lattes? Would that fix it?" Castiel bargained, reaching for Dean's hand. Dean wrinkled his nose.  
"Maybe…" he said, drawing out the 'a'.  
"And a blowjob?"  
"Deal." Dean said excitedly. Castiel chuckled and rose to his feet.  
"Clean this up." He said with a wink as he walked into the kitchen.  
"Yeah, sure Cas." Dean said as he turned on the TV and dropped himself onto the sofa.  
"_Dean_!" Castiel cried upon hearing the TV. Dean chuckled and ignored him, listening to the light purr of the coffee machine. When Castiel came in with Dean's coffee, he had a soft, thoughtful look on his face.  
"Penny for your thoughts?" Dean said as he took a sip. Castiel smiled lightly and perched next to him on the sofa, his hand running softly through Dean's hair.  
"It's Christmas tomorrow."  
"Yeah, I know."  
"I think we should do something."  
"Like?"  
"Well…invite our families over for dinner, maybe? You've never met my family."  
"That's…that's a good idea, I guess. It'd be a bit weird with just Bobby and Ellen, though."  
"And Sam."  
"Cas."  
"Dean, please. He's your brother."  
"He hates me because of this, because of being with you. Do you really think he's gonna wanna sit with us at dinner in our home and see how happy we are?"  
"That's exactly why he needs to be here, so he can see how happy we are, how much we love each other. Dean, please, just ask."  
"Cas, I-"  
"Please." Castiel said, his eyes passionate. Dean sighed and kissed Castiel's forehead.  
"Fine, for you. Don't get your hopes up." Dean grumbled, turning his attention back to his coffee. Excitedly, Castiel jumped to his feet and ran to the phone.  
"Hey Anna, it's Cas. Wanna come down for Christmas?  
Yes I know it's tomorrow but-  
I know.  
Really?  
Dinner. Maybe fiveish?  
Awesome. Can you bring Gabe and Michael with you?  
Okay. Love you Anna."  
Castiel skipped back into the room and took Dean's empty mug from him.  
"Sam. Call. Now." He said. Dean looked at him apprehensively, but nodded. The phone felt strangely heavy in his hand as he punched in the number, and his hand shook as he held the phone against his ear. He hadn't spoken to Sam in over a week, and he was terrified.  
"Hello?"  
"Sammy."  
"Dean." Sam said bluntly.  
"I wanna ask you something."  
"Ok."  
"Did you want to come over to dinner tomorrow? Bobby and Ellen will be there and-"  
"Is this a joke?"  
"No, Sam. We've spent every Christmas together so far, and I wanted to-"  
"I'm not coming to your house with _him_. No way."  
"I've got your present here…"  
"Throw it away. I'm not coming."  
"Come on, Sammy, it's Christmas."  
"I don't care." Sam said, hanging up. Dean slammed the phone down.  
"God dammit!" he cried, hand in his hair. Castiel wrapped his arms around Dean and pulled him onto his shoulder.  
"S'okay babe, you tried. I love you."  
"I'm such a shitty brother."  
"No, you're not. Don't say that, Dean, please. You tried your best. Does he really expect you to break up with me?"  
"Maybe I should." Dean mumbled. Castiel stepped back as if he'd been shocked, and his heart fell when he saw the empty look in Dean's eyes.  
"Dean, no." Castiel whispered.  
"I…can't do this. Not now. Just leave me alone for a bit. Gotta think." Dean mumbled, walking into the bedroom. Castiel nodded slowly, his lip quivering. Dean sighed and gave him a weary smile, leaning in to kiss him.  
"I love you. Don't be scared." He murmured, wiping a tear from Castiel's cheek. Somewhat reassured, Castiel smiled as he watched Dean's retreating figure.

Dean didn't come out of their room all night, but Castiel was (almost) too busy to notice. Bobby and Ellen had said that they'd be delighted to come, and they were bringing Ellen's daughter Jo with them, who'd recently come back from University. Although he was pleased that so many people were coming, it meant that Castiel was busy as hell, as he stuffed the turkey and made vegetables and tried wine to see which went with which dish. It was difficult work, but he knew it would all be worth it tomorrow. Even when he'd finished all his food preparations, he still needed to wrap presents. Dean had wrapped Castiel's three presents already, and they sat under the tree, wrapped in shiny green paper. Castiel had bought Dean a couple of video games that he'd wanted, and wrapped these carefully, sliding them under the tree. As he did so, he noticed the package with Sam's name written messily across it and smiled sadly. Once the presents were wrapped and under the tree, Castiel made another two cups of gingerbread lattes and brought them in on a tray – along with a plate of cookies – into his room that he shared with Dean.  
"Dean? Babe?" he murmured, and saw Dean sitting on the bed, reading.  
"Hey Cas." He said hoarsely, and Castiel could tell he'd been crying. Castiel placed the tray on the foot of the bed and wrapped his arms around Dean.  
"I know it hurts, but it's Christmas and we're together and I love you more than anything."  
"I love you too, Cas. I just wish Sammy forgave me…forgave us. I don't want to lose him, Castiel."  
Castiel shivered at the sound of his name of Dean's lips, and reached forward to hold his face in his hands.  
"He loves you too much. He'll forgive us both in time, but you cannot rush that. It's only been a week, Dean. Give him time."  
"I love you." Dean breathed. Castiel smiled and brought the tray forward, kissing Dean on the cheek as he did.  
"C'mon, I made you cookies." Castiel chuckled, watching as Dean ate and drank, sadness apparently forgotten.  
"What did you get me for Christmas?" Dean asked, spraying cookie crumbs. Castiel laughed lighty.  
"Can't tell you. You'll see tomorrow evening."  
"Aw, Cas!"  
"No means no, Dean!" he said firmly. Dean rolled his eyes.  
"M'kay. Remember to pick up Bobby and Ellen somethin'."  
"I already did. It's going to be wonderful, Dean, I promise." He said, taking the empty cups and plate and moving them to the side of the room.  
"Yeah, I know. You're such a good little housewife, Cas." Dean winked. Castiel raised his eyebrows.  
"I'm not your _bitch_, Dean." He said in fake disgust. Dean shrugged.  
"You look like you're my bitch when you're sucking on my cock and whimpering my name." Dean smirked, making Castiel blush and look away, his heart hammering. When he looked up, he saw Dean smiling softly and blushing.  
"What's up?"  
"I…have something for you. A present, if you will. I was going to wait…but I want you to open it now."  
"But Dean-"  
"You'll see what I mean when I open it. Trust me."  
"I…okay…" Castiel murmured. Dean leapt to his feet and rushed into the living room. Castiel could hear faint rustling, and then Dean's feet coming back into the bedroom. He proudly thrust a box at Castiel, grinning like a Cheshire cat.  
"Dean, what…"  
"Open." Dean ordered. Obediently, Castiel tore off the paper and slid the large white box open, just a fraction. He gasped when he saw the contents.  
"Dean…you can't-"  
"Yep." Dean said, beaming.  
"No way will this- I can't-"  
"Please Cas, it'd mean the world to me if you did."  
"Are you sure?"  
"More sure than anything. I'm getting hard at the thought of it, Cas. Please do it." Dean begged. Castiel chewed his lip then sighed, rising to his feet.  
"Fine. Get ready." Castiel snapped as he walked into the bathroom. Dean fist-pumped the air and quickly tore his shirt and jeans off, leaving only his boxers. He searched around in the bedside table for lube and put it on the table, nerves jumping around in his body like crazy. He hadn't really meant for it to happen, it was just something he had found while shopping and decided it would be…interesting to see Castiel do it. Not to mention that the mere thought of it alone was enough to get Dean almost coming in his pants.  
"Hurry up, Cas!" Dean called impatiently. He heard the sound of Castiel's feet on the floor and almost started shaking with anticipation.  
"Oh fuck." He breathed as Castiel walked around the corner. Castiel was wearing a waist-length babydoll* made entirely out of black see-through material, except for the trim, which was made from pink lace. The middle was split, so Dean could see the hard muscles of Castiel's stomach. The black and pink lace stockings were held up by metal heart-shaped suspenders which strained against Castiel's thighs. When he walked slowly towards Dean, his black stilettos clicked against the wooden floor.  
"Oh babe." Dean moaned, opening his arms for Castiel.  
"Is it…do I look okay?" Castiel asked nervously as he climbed onto the bed. Dean hummed.  
"Beautiful, baby. Look so beautiful." He whispered, kissing Castiel's neck and sliding his hand down to caress his cock where it strained against the thin pink silk panties.  
"I didn't know you liked this sort of thing…" Castiel admitted. Dean laughed.  
"I didn't. I do now. Fuck, Cas, you look gorgeous." He moaned, pulling Castiel on top of him so that he was straddling him.  
"Could watch you like this all day, Cas." Dean whispered, running his fingertips down Castiel's stomach. Castiel moaned and ground his hips down into Dean's cock, noticing the wet patch at the front of his underwear caused by his precum.  
"Can't wait to fuck you, Cas. Gonna bend you right over and fuck you." Dean snarled as he rubbed Castiel's cock, loving the feeling of the silk on his fingertips.  
"Y-yes Dean. Anything for you, Dean, anything."  
"Mmm, I like that. I like it when you do what I tell you, baby. Such a good boy for me. Such a good boy."  
"Yes, Dean. So good for you."  
"Such a good slut." Dean moaned, reaching over and pumping some of the lube into his hand, and rubbing it between his fingers to warm it up.  
"Go bend over at the end of the bed." Dean ordered, and Castiel was quick to obey, making sure not to touch his achingly hard cock. Dean ran his dry hand along Castiel's ass and smacked him hard.  
"Slut." He hissed, hitting him again. Castiel arched his back and moaned, digging his nails into the bed.  
"My slut." Dean murmured, licking the place where he'd hit Castiel. He wrapped his hand around the waistline of the panties and tore them off, too impatient to wait for Castiel to take them off. He rubbed his hand down his cock, and Castiel's mouth watered at the slick sound it made.  
"Get ready for me, baby." Dean whispered as he slid himself smoothly into Castiel's ass, rubbing against his prostrate. Castiel, in the heat of the moment, said something then that he'd never said before:  
"Fuck, Daddy, yes!" he cried, then stopped, eyes-wide. He hadn't meant to say that out loud. If Dean was shocked by the word, he didn't show it as he ran his hand lovingly through Castiel's hair.  
"That's good baby, Daddy's gonna take real good care of his boy. Such a good boy." Dean whispered, kissing along Castiel's back as he slammed his cock into him. Castiel whimpered and fucked himself back onto Dean's cock.  
"That's right baby, ride Daddy's cock. Make me cum inside you, baby. My good boy." He murmured, petting Castiel's hair. Castiel let out a cry of anguish and rocked back onto Dean's cock. Dean chuckled and reached forwards, cupping Castiel's balls and rubbing them softly in between his fingers.  
"You like it when Daddy fucks you like this?"  
"Y-yes…  
"Yes?"  
"Yes Sir." Castiel said, remembering the first day they met. Dean laughed lightly and stroked Castiel's back.  
"Good boy for remembering what I like." He said. Castiel nodded. Dean clenched his jaw and grabbed Castiel's neck, forcing him down onto the bed as he pounded into him, moaning and crying out Castiel's name.  
"Babe, gonna come inside you now. Gonna make you all sticky and full of my come. You want that?  
"Yes Sir, yes Daddy, oh Dean give it to me, please!" Castiel begged. Dean slammed into him once more, then came with a loud cry. Dean pulled slowly out of Castiel, then turned him so that he was sitting on the bed, facing Dean.  
"Look so damn pretty." Dean whispered, pushing Castiel back so he was laying down. He wrapped his warm, calloused fingers around Castiel's cock and pumped him hard and fast, making Castiel writhe and buck his hips off the bed.  
"Such nice underwear you're wearing for me Cas. Can't wait to see it soaked with cum." Dean snarled, making Castiel gasp.  
"No, Dean, please. I'm gonna come soon, Dean, please." Castiel begged. Dean chuckled and pumped him even faster, and soon felt his dick twitch in his hand as he shot white streams of cum all over himself, covering his chest and stomach. Dean stroked Castiel's bare thigh thoughtfully, smiling softly at his gasping lover.  
"Fuck, Dean." He choked, and Dean laughed.  
"Was that good for you?"  
"Yes. Wow." Castiel moaned. Not even bothering to clean the come from his body, Dean pulled Castiel into his arms and kissed him softly.  
"I wasn't lying, you know. You look so fucking sexy like that. Spread open for me, your little body quivering, making those _delicious _little noises." Dean murmured, his hand creeping up Castiel's babydoll.  
"Dean." He rasped as he gave himself over to him for the second time.

Dean was awoken the next morning by the smell of breakfast wafting into his bedroom. With a faint smile, he trudged out of bed and into the kitchen, where Castiel – still wearing his lingerie from last night – was cooking.  
"Morning, beautiful." He murmured, wrapping his arms around Castiel's waist and giving him a kiss on the cheek.  
"Merry Christmas, Dean." Castiel said, his voice jumping with excitement. Dean chuckled. With all the amusement from the night before, he'd completely forgotten about Christmas.  
"Merry Christmas, Cas. What did you wanna do today? We have until five." He said as Castiel passed him his plate. They sat down at the kitchen table, and Castiel shrugged.  
"I've got a few ideas, but I don't know if you're going to like them."  
"Let me hear 'em."  
"Well. I'm still covered in come, so we could have a shower together and have sex. Then we could watch some Christmas-themed porn and have sex. And then I was thinking we could make out for a while and maybe have some more sex, then give ourselves about an hour to clean up before the guests arrive. Sound good?" Castiel asked. Dean laughed and squeezed Castiel's leg.  
"Where have you been all my life?" Dean smiled. Castiel shrugged and wolfed down the rest of his breakfast.  
"Just leave the plates there. I'll clean them up when I'm done fucking you."  
"Oh, Cas." Dean sighed, grabbing his hand and letting him lead him to the bathroom.

The house looked pretty good once Dean and Cas had cleaned it up and thrown all the lights on. The table in the kitchen was covered with food and wine, and soft, gentle Christmas music was playing softly throughout the apartment.  
"I'm so excited." Castiel said, holding onto Dean's hips and swaying him softly to the music. Castiel was wearing a full suit and tie while Dean was wearing a t shirt, jeans and one of Castiel's black blazers. He put his hands on Castiel's shoulders and danced around the living room with him.  
"It's going to be really good, Castiel."  
"I love it when you say my name like that." Castiel sighed. Dean leaned in.  
"Castiel. My Castiel. My Cas. My baby." He murmured, kissing his boyfriend's jaw after every word. They were interrupted by the doorbell, and rolled their eyes at each other.  
"Merry Christmas." Dean muttered as he opened the door. In front of him was a tall, thin girl with red hair, wearing a black sparkly dress, accompanied by two other guys – one short and brown haired and the other slightly taller and blonde – both wearing suits. Castiel bounded over to greet them and make introductions.  
"Dean, this is my sister Anna and my brothers Gabe and Michael. Guys, this is Dean." He said, gesturing to each of them in turn.  
"Hello, Dean." Anna said, smiling sweetly at him. Michael bowed his head in greeting, whereas Gabriel hugged him and hissed threats in his ear for if he ever hurt Castiel. Good start. The two men lead their guests into the living room and served them wine. It wasn't long after they'd all settled that the doorbell rang again. When he opened the door, Dean was pounced on by Jo.  
"I missed you!" she cried, holding him tightly. He chuckled and held her at arms length to look at her. Her hair had grown a lot since he'd seen her, and she was wearing a red sparkly dress that showed her figure.  
"I missed you too, buddy. When did you get all female?" he said, feigning disappointment. Jo rolled her eyes.  
"Introduce me to your man-candy!" she demanded, making Dean chuckle. He ignored her request for the moment and hugged Bobby and Ellen.  
"Hey, Dean. Merry Christmas." Bobby said, dumping an armful of presents into Dean's arms. He laughed.  
"I'll put these under the tree. Cas is just in the other room." He said, wiggling his eyes at Jo, who beamed and rushed into the living room excitedly. Once Dean had dropped the presents under the tree, he walked over to where both his and Castiel's families were sitting comfortably and mingling. He wrapped his arm around Castiel's waist and sighed, leaning his head on his shoulder.  
"I love you, so much." Dean murmured in Castiel's ear. Castiel smiled and leaned against him. Things were, for the most part, so perfect. Never in either Castiel or Dean's lives had there been a moment as perfect as this.  
"C'mon babe, I'm starving." Dean said, and Castiel announced that it was dinner time. As the family excitedly headed for the table, there was a soft knock on the door. Assuming it was carolers, Dean trudged to the door, and gasped when it was opened.  
"Sammy?"

At first Dean was worried that dinner would be awkward, but it wasn't. Sam was perfectly happy to talk to and laugh with Castiel's family, and even Castiel himself. If anyone had been watching, they would have never known that there was any tension at all.  
"Real glad you're here, Sam." Dean murmured. Sam smiled and patted his brother's shoulder.  
"I'm still a bit hurt about what happened, but in the end, I'm glad you're happy. I can see that you two really love each other, and I'm sorry about what I said."  
"Forget it. We're cool." Dean said, and Sam smiled. By the end of the meal, Jo was nearly bouncing off her seat.  
"Can we get to the presents now?" she demanded, making everyone at the table laugh. It took both Dean and Castiel to carry the loads of presents in, and everyone seemed pretty pleased with the amount they got. Castiel and Dean bought all their presents together, but it was clear that Castiel had had more influence. His family's presents were relatively expensive and nice, whereas Dean's family's presents were very personal. Still, both sides loved their gifts, so Dean and Castiel agreed that it was a success. As it turned out, as well as the underwear, Dean bought Castiel a new coffee maker and a set of personalized mugs. Castiel laughed and joked that the present was more for Dean's benefit, and Dean didn't even bother denying it. Castiel bought Dean Grand Theft Auto V and Bioshock Infinite, and he'd also bought him a pair of boxers that said "property of Castiel." Dean's family found this hilarious, but Castiel's looked slightly offended (with the exception of Gabriel who was laughing like a hyena). Once all the gifts were given and the wrapping paper cleared, Castiel did the (very cliché) thing where he tapped his spoon lightly against his wine glass and stood up.  
"I've got one more present to give to Dean, and I'd like you all to see it. Before I do, I'd like to thank Sam for being here. Your acceptance and love means the world to us." He said, raising his glass slightly to Sam. Dean chewed his lip in confusion as Castiel put his glass down and sat next to Dean, holding his hands.  
"Dean Winchester. It's been a bumpy road so far, I know. And I know that we haven't been together or even known each other for long, but I don't think that matters. I love you, so much. More than I can remember loving anything. You're absolutely perfect to me, even if not to everyone else. Even when we fight or things go wrong, I still love you, and I know I always will. You're my absolute world, and I don't want you to ever leave me. There isn't a world for me without you. You are my soul. I love you, Dean. No matter what happens, I will love you always. Dean, I want to be with you always."  
"Cas…" Dean breathed, tears slipping down his cheeks. Castiel stroked his cheek and smiled.  
"It's okay baby." He murmured as he pulled the red velvet box out of his pocket.  
"I love you, Castiel." Dean whispered.  
"Marry me."

He said it softly, but it echoed through the room. Everyone was silent, waiting with bated breath for Dean's answer.  
"I need to say something." Dean blurted out. Castiel nodded – he hadn't expected an answer straight away. Dean rose to his feet slowly.  
"For two years, I was with a guy and he was…perfect. He made me laugh and smile and I felt so safe with him. So happy. We were engaged, you know. I didn't tell anyone about it, but we were. We always planned to get a child –a daughter. We had baby names lined up and everything. I loved him very much. We had one fight, and he stormed out of the house and died. Hit by a truck. Just like that. Gone. There's been this hole inside me for over a year since then, and I didn't think it was possible to feel happy, but then Castiel showed up. Like he said, our road has been hard, but I think we're heading somewhere great. Castiel, I love you. This isn't me saying no, it's me saying that I will think about it, but I really will think about it. I probably won't think of anything else until I give you my answer. I love you. I'm not doubting at all that I love you, I just want to make sure that this is right. They say you only get one chance at true love, and for some reason, I've got another chance. I need to get this right, babe."  
"Thank you, Dean." Castiel said softly, stroking Dean's hand. Dean sank back into his chair, and the conversations around them slowly started building up again.  
"You're not mad?" he asked Castiel, who shook his head.  
"Never, baby. I'm proud of you."  
"Thank you. I'm so sorry."  
"No, I understand. Do you wanna at least see the ring?" he asked. Dean smiled and nodded, and Castiel handed him the box. He opened it and sucked in air through his teeth. The ring was a plain silver band on the outside, but on the inside it had the word "mine" engraved in Castiel's handwriting. It was beautiful.  
"Cas…I…"  
"I know. It's okay."  
"I'm sorry." Dean breathed. Castiel squeezed his hand.  
"Honestly, I didn't expect anything else. I love you."

The wine had been drunk and the songs sung, and Dean and Castiel were finally alone in the apartment. Castiel was busy cleaning up, smiling to himself and humming, but Dean was sitting in the living room, head in his hands. Castiel walked over to him and kissed him softly on the forehead.  
"Whatever it is, go do it. I'll wait for you."  
"Are you sure?"  
"I'll wait for you." Castiel repeated. Dean smiled and thanked him as he grabbed his leather jacket and rushed out the door. The journey that Dean was now making was one that he didn't think he needed to make until he started driving, but now that he was nearly there, he felt the rightness in his soul. The truth was, he wanted to marry Castiel more than anything in the world, but he had to do this first. It wouldn't be right, otherwise. He made a few stops along the way, but soon he saw the high roof of the church, and took a deep breath. He slipped out of the Impala, his arms full, and into the cold. As he walked towards the black gate, snow fell around him and he couldn't help but smile. At first, he'd got lost when he was trying to find it, but he'd made the journey so many times, it was like breathing. He sat down in front of Benny's grave and smiled softly.  
"Hey babe. Sorry I haven't been around lately. I have a bunch of stuff to tell you though. First of all, Merry Christmas. I hate not having you here, and I miss you so much. I got you these, though." He said, putting down the bouquet of red roses.  
"I know how much you like roses. Sammy's good. Still working at the office, but you know how it is. Ellen and Bobby are good too. I just had Christmas dinner with them. They're all happy and healthy and we all miss you so much." Dean bit his lip before continuing.  
"I have something to tell you. I met a guy, Ben. I know, it hasn't been long, and I felt awful about it at first but he's…wonderful. He takes real good care of me, and he loves me a lot, and I love him too. Tonight he asked me to marry him, and I couldn't help but remember when you asked me to marry you. I couldn't say yes fast enough. Well, Benny, I want to say yes to Castiel, because I love him more than my own life, but I wanted to sit and talk to you about it first. I still love you, you know. I always will, and I will never, ever forget you. It's just that I need to move on, babe. It's going to be difficult, but I need to let go. You're gone, and I can't keep holding onto you, because you're not coming back. I'll still come visit you when I can, but I need to live. I'm sorry, and I love you so much." Dean said, his hand stroking along the gravestone. At some point he'd started crying, but he didn't care; he felt a lot better now that he'd told Benny everything. Dean put the card and chocolates that he'd bought for Benny down on the ground.  
"Rest in peace, buddy." He murmured, before walking slowly back to the Impala.

Castiel had a mug of hot chocolate and a cheesy Christmas movie waiting for Dean when he got home, and didn't ask any questions. Dean was grateful for this as he sat, holding his hand tightly in his own, trying to convince himself that it was okay.  
"Hey, Cas?" Dean asked with a small smile.  
"Mmm?"  
"How about you go put on that outfit I bought you and come sit on my lap?" Dean suggested. Castiel was, admittedly, rather shocked by this request, but he agreed either way, and trudged into the bedroom to get changed. While he was changing, Dean rummaged through the boxes under the Christmas tree and found the boxers Castiel had bought him. He snickered as he stripped and put them on, not even slightly surprised that they were exactly his size. When he heard Castiel's heels click against the floor, he sat back down on the sofa, enjoying the look of joy that spread over Castiel's features.  
"One more thing, Cas." Dean said.  
"Yes?"  
"Get me my ring."  
"Why?" Castiel asked, his voice shaking.  
"Because I'm yours."  
"So…wait…do you…" Castiel stammered, and Dean would have laughed if it weren't so serious. Dean said nothing, and Castiel obediently got the ring, then sat on Dean's lap. They didn't have sex that night, Dean just ran his hands along Castiel's waist and stomach, occasionally stopping to stroke his legs.  
"So sexy, Cas. I can't wait until our wedding day."  
"What?" Castiel said, looking at Dean wide-eyed and hopeful. Dean ignored this.  
"I'm gonna get you a nice tight camisole this time, all lace and pearls, and lace panties. You'd like that, wouldn't you? You can keep your suspenders, though, they're hot. The stockings will have to be white too. With pretty, white jeweled shoes. Maybe a veil. You'll look so sexy, Cas." Dean murmured into his lover's skin.  
"Dean." Castiel sobbed, tears running down his cheeks. Dean chuckled and kissed him.  
"Say it. Please just say it Dean, I need to hear it."  
"Yes, Castiel. I will marry you."


End file.
